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I Connected So Deeply, I Was Afraid

 

I connected to the depth of my spirit and soul,

Every Fiber of my being alive, screaming with life.

The emotion was so raw that every time you spoke, touched me,

I felt that I would drown in it and you, what this was I didn’t know.

I hope you can understand.

I connected so deeply I was afraid.

I couldn’t understand it all, not really,

And so it all went spinning out of control, high and low,

With mixed signals on all planes and walls created,

Which added to the ones you already had,

Just made for more and more pain.

I hope you can understand.

I connected so deeply I was afraid.

 

The  last blog I wrote about my contributing to the lack of resolution and mixed signals on the spiritual plane.   I’ve had to take stock of things, really look at how I have held things up in my life and contributed to things not moving forward etc…  If you don’t confront, and face things head on, you end up, it becomes this dark mass of energy inside you and you end up going in circles and in pain, sadness and tears ongoing, nor will you ever be able to work through or overcome anything, any walls.  Of course ideally it takes two to overcome and move forward, but sometimes you have to do so solo if the other person doesn’t have courage, or until they do find that courage. I have looked at what was it relationship wise that I was so afraid, really started to examine what it was that I feared, give mixed signals, especially on the metaphysical plane.

As much as I connected so deeply to them and they apparently to me immediately and we often choose mirrors of ourselves to connect to later in life, there were a few things that were going on, which created a sabotage dynamic.  He already had his own walls and passive-aggressive stuff going on, chip on his shoulder and not a lot of courage to change situations that were clearly unhappy, irreparable perhaps even.  On my part, I hadn’t really grasped my intuitive gifts in the following sense.  When receiving intuitive impressions etc… I still hadn’t really learned to discern whether, just like when studying let’s say the Bible, to interpret what I was receiving literalistic, literally, metaphorically or symbolically.  Let me tell ya, when you don’t have that understanding, you can get yourself into a lot of trouble and create havoc.  I also wasn’t ready to handle that, the intensity of that, of the emotions of the connection with this person, as I really hadn’t ever had patience for dating, being much more focused on spiritual and philosophical exploration in life.  I was literally blown away by what I was feeling and had no clue how to handle that and any intuitive stuff I was receiving in regards to them, their life, us, any of it.  Now, with clarity of self, regular meditation and understanding of it all, it’s changed. 

I was also on a journey of faith to reconcile my pull towards Judaism with my firm belief in Christ, as well as my metaphysical understanding of the universe, that all is energy and vibration, with my family traditional Catholic Italian heritage.  That’s not an easy journey to make and when the other person is very apparently academic, all in their head, not at all metaphysical or anywhere near that sphere of spirituality, and you feel you are being patronized etc… it just makes for a lot of tension.  Then when I realized they have lived their life trying to be accepted by a group of people that will never accept them, will always reject them, that they are in a situation of perpetual unhappiness always trying to be accepted by those who will never accept them, I have realized my own fear has been that I would not ever be accepted into their world of friends and family, of academia if we were to come together.  I have realized that I was taking on, as an intuitive and for other reasons, their own patterns in this connection, so my own were magnified.  I also have had concerns that they were so entrenched in their own world that they could never accept me or my world as an artist, as a metaphysical Biblical Christian, with an unconditional love of Israel and the Jewish Culture, seeking to celebrate that.  I have realized that I am sending out mixed messages on the spiritual plane.  I want to share my world with them, but am sending out the signal at the same time that they can’t possible be open to it, or share in it because they have to be accepted by this other world that clearly can never and will never accept them.  I am not giving them any credit and assuming they can’t be open to my world at all.  On the one hand I am meditating on both of us being open and all that, but on the other am also thinking subconsciously that they wont ever detach themselves from that other world that has made it clear they are never going to be welcome or accepted in it.  That’s not very constructive of me and not fair of me to assume that of them, nor is it fair of them to assume anything  like that of me of course. 

In doing the Days of Awe between Rosh Hashana and Yom Kippur, I am confronting truths about my own role in my life not being where I wish it to be, in my not being the amazing, joyful etc… person I would like to be.  I am also considering how I will be changing that and meditation, fellowship with others is a part of that. 

Shalom and Amen