mourning us

Don’t get me wrong I love my mum, I do.  However, as they say a life unexamined etc…Since, my birthday is tomorrow, I have of course been doing that, examining.  Not always a fun thing, this examining of life etc.., but necessary.  

I realized that as much as my mum loved me and I her, in her making me the center of her world, the only thing in her world, she handicapped us both in a big way.  Let me explain.  She never learned to speak the language, with the notion that her whole world was centered around having to provide for and look out for me.  She never made friends because she never learned the language, so really she never created a life for herself, never really had a social life outside the ladies of the building we lived in.  She never even thought of finding a good man to help share the burdens etc… of life with.  Also if you did not do everything exactly the way she did it, even dust the furniture, then it was not done right.  All of this created a great handicap for us both, though she didn’t realize it at the time, and frankly growing up neither did I, except in having lots of anger that I didn’t fully understand with life, in part due to my dad leaving when I was a kid, but I realize now it was more than that.  I have just now, in the  two past years, really made my journey to being my own person and authentic self etc..  

In not creating a life for herself, in not cutting the cords with me, in creating in me a sense of I was her center, her world, all she had in the world, not learning the language, so I had to make all the doctor’s appointments, take care of everything because of the language barrier etc.., she created a dependent relationship where I was more of a “spouse” than a daughter who would at a young age go out there and create her own life at peace in the knowledge that her mom had her own life and would be okay.  She created a situation of such dependency on me in  way, that I never felt I could get married, start a family of my own, pursue my true dreams of being an artist because what if I had to tour, who would go to the doctor with her etc…?  I never felt I could, and life is funny that now, when she is 92, now, I have such a strong sense of who I am, my dreams etc… that I can do that and if she has need of someone to take care of things, well the Catholic Church has something called Visiting Angels and I can probably find someone who speaks Italian to come and take care of things for her, spend time with her etc… Now, at 51 is when I feel totally free to embrace my life, my dreams, have a life partner etc…, all the things, I never felt free to embrace before.  I guess that is a huge birthday gift this year, huge.  

Namaste, Shalom and Amen