mourning us

I had to wonder what has been holding me back from a relationship, from the arts, fully engaging and all that.  It has not been easy pinpointing what it is, but I am realizing it is two things.  

One thing is expectations.  I have had a little voice that in the back of my head says I won’t meet the expectations of others, of the audience, of myself even We should strive to do our best and present our best effort, work and all that, even in a relationship.  However, if I am so focused on it having to be always a certain way, meet certain expectations then I will never move ahead.  I am making progress in terms of putting my work out there and have been reaching out in terms of a relationship.  I still worry to a degree that I won’t meet expectations, will let people down.  Much of my life I have been told about my flaws, very rarely was I told about my virtues by those closest to me, and my dad leaving when I was a kid didn’t help.  I didn’t say “that is not me, that is what you are projecting unto me and I reject it”, not even to myself and look at my virtues, gifts, talents.  I am doing that now, have been for a while and I do not accept what others project unto me.  Still expectations do have to balanced and tempered in life or we will never succeed in moving ahead, in reaching out because of expectations and fear of rejection.  That is true in all scenarios of life, including love.  

The other thing is the fibromyaliga, especially in terms of relationships.  I have been very open online and in general about the fibro, the crashes all the “agita” as we Italians say it brings.  I often think that no man will want to have or even build a relationship when he realizes what a pain fibro can be.  I keep thinking they will get tired of it and walk away, so part of me thinks I shouldn’t even try to deepen any connection with my soulmate.  Then someone pointed out to me that I am making assumptions about persons without really knowing and that I should give relationships a chance, not automatically assume a guy will run because of the fibro.  I am having to  put the fibro as something that if the person loves me, we will work through and around together, since when people care about each other whether in friendship or more, they work through and around certain issues.  I have to not assume that a man won’t be able to handle it and will run away.  

I can’t allow either of these things to hold me back from my path and relationship with someone who is my soulmate.  Hopefully they won’t either.