One of the words that came up often with the rabbi yesterday was framework, also could be said as frame of reference and in my life there have been two that shaped my direction or shall we say my maze like direction.
Those have to change. One framework came from those closest to me, which sadly is often the case in our lives, who basically pointed out only my “flaws” and let me know that I could never fulfill my pie in the sky dreams of being an artist, or anything like that. Even when I then turned my attention to teaching, even that was met with a sense of, well not sure how talented I was for that and how emotionally strong I was to handle that due to what I had gone through with my dad having left as a kid and all the baggage that created for me. Early on one framework I was operating from was “you don’t have what it takes” and that is how I lived my life, so none of the paths I undertook yielded any real long lasting result. I lived life in a maze, in circles. When I started realizing that program, that framework was a false one, a toxic one, and I had to get rid of it, things started to change and then I connected to an amazing artist and I think person, something literally sparked something in me that started me on a journey that has really helped me claim my truth, spiritual truth, creative truth, all of that and it is just the beginning. It is a beautiful thing, scary a bit, but beautiful.
The other framework came from Catholicism and this crazy notion that suffering and poverty, all that is noble. Somehow this notion that it all brings you closer to God, to the Christ, got ingrained in me, and couple that and this notion of a punishing God with the above and it is not a good recipe at all. When the rabbi said about my having to have have a new framework, and come out of the martyrdom is noble framework that struck me and I realized that he is right. There is nothing noble about being in pain, in lack etc… You can’t help anyone in that state, much less yourself. If I am going to have a truly impacting life that betters the life of others and my own, then I have to be in a good place on many levels, not in a way that is arrogant or greedy, no. However, I can not ever see what is toxic and negative as noble or good because that is topsy turvy thinking, very unhealthy. I can’t see abundance, success, prosperity, creativity all of that as a negative, but rather be open to it, to receiving it fully, be grateful for it exponentially grateful and be a very wise steward of it. The framework of suffering brings one closer to God, all that a sense that is too literal is not healthy and is not wise. Must one be proactive, not reactive in difficult situations, be wise? Yes and triple yes. That is different. Must one seek meditative guidance and not go off half crazed and go do stupid in life.
There is a path of authenticity I have begun to take hold of where old programming, toxic programming, from childhood and in general is now being lifted. God loves me and he does not want me to be noble through any suffering or lack. He wants me to honor mitzvot, and Tzedakah, but not to suffer and be in lack to get close as a way to get close to him, for him to have a relationship with me and love me, that’s lame. There is a truly joyful life to be lived, with an amazing soulmate by my side, a creative life to be lived, an abundant life, a life that inspired and empowers others, and brings others to know the One God, and brings others to honor the Shema Yisrael, the core of the Pentateuch and who Yahweh is, the creator is.
Shalom and Amen