I have always sought to understand Judaism, was almost driven my whole life to it, while at the same time had a sense of awe, but resistance to Catholicism and I realized it is necessary to understand this for my spiritual journey to truly move forward. I realized I am a crossroads here.
I did not realize that in Judaism there were two notions on the lineage of Messiah or that there were several accepted Messiah’s, “Anointed Ones” as part of the tradition and that is why some accepted and others, Jews, rejected Jesus, part of the reason. If there was no conflict in terms of Jesus being a Messiah as regards the faith of my family, my heritage, then why was I still so drawn to Judaism? I was watching a program on the Mormon channel, Christmas Under the Starts and when they sand one of songs, with the background as Bethlehem and then another, it hit me, that ahha moment/ I want to understand Judaism, and Hillel to understand Jesus and thus the roots of my heritage Catholicism. It’s important to me to understand the faith life Jesus would have lived, and his students, those he taught and ministered to under his guidance, as Jews would have lived as jews. The Jewish roots of the faith, which Catholicism in different forms has held on to, mattes to me, having that understanding matters. Then I thought, so why such a hard time accepting Catholicism, especially since I am one who listens to meditation, even creates her own meditations, listens to binaural bet healing meditations etc…, believes in strong spiritual gifts, has had God “convey” to me through dreams, so why would the mystic part of Catholicism be a problem, that can’t be it. I had to really ask myself why, why do you resist it? Ego, it’s ego because it is a hierarchy and there is a hierarchy of authority, and I like to do things my way, fly my own kite, go to the beat of my own drum, though I am on the Conservative side of things social issues and such, the authority thing for my ego is tough to swallow. It really isn’t about theology, as I can’t say I have delved deep into the Church Fathers or anything like that, basic tenets, but not outside of the basics. It is not really the theology, it’s EGO, not wanting to submit to this hierarchy of authority. I have to say though, Pope Francis, with his compassionate take on those divorced etc.., potentially female deacons,. is making it a lot easier for me to not be so resistant.
I thought the main issue was theology and really it is EGO, go figure, a human not embracing something due to EGO and resistance to authority, who would have thought huh? Yup, pure EGO, and I think it’s time to let go of my EGO, not EGGO, EGO maybe in more ways than one. I wish I had understood that in the past with a particular relationship. Well, live and learn huh, live and learn.
Shalom and Amen