As I find myself getting more comfortable in my own skin and more involved with the arts, and in touch more with my Italian heritage, I find myself going through a lot of soul searching. I have had to ask myself why this resistance so far to Catholicism, to embrace any particular spiritual path, particularly this one, with which I agree with on a number of the social issues?
I think I have an answer. I love my family and my mom, but they were not the most supportive of who I am artistically, not really, and as for my gifts as an empath-intutive, no way they could come close to understanding that, or my love of Israel. I always felt the odd one out and with my mom always being so dependent on me due to the language barrier she had, I never felt I could go out there and create a life for myself, just felt she would be lost if I did. I don’t feel that anymore and am determined to make a life for myself, period! I think all of that created in me a sense of resistance to the bureaucracy of the Church, the uniformity of thought, and in a way I decided also that if that was the faith of my family then even if I was in alignment with it, I wasn’t going to be part of it. Then also as an empath and feeling things as I do and seeing some of the evangelicals with the feeling the spirit so intensely and I guess I was always thinking that if I wasn’t feeling that in Mass or in the faith journey then I was missing something. I am realizing a few things. My journey as an artist has nothing to do with my family or whether they understand or support it, same with my gifts as an empath-intuitive. My faith should never hinge on my relationship with anyone but God, Christ and the Holy Spirit, ever. As for the bureaucracy and uniformity, nothing wrong with that actually. Protestants have over 1,000 denominations with no uniform or coherent theology, so actually to have a uniform body of theology and a conservative one in today’s crazy world is a good thing. I hope Pope Frances does not take the Church liberal to where it ceases to be Catholic because I for one will be pretty pissed off if he does. As for my mom, as much as I do love her, I do need to live my life and I can do that and still make sure she is okay. I realize now that it is not a matter of one or the other. It is all about balance, all about balance.
I am realizing that my rejecting of the faith was not a rejection of the faith itself but a rejection of it due to factors from my childhood and my own life. I need to revisit the faith, re-learn it etc…, get back to my roots, fully to who I am, the fullness of my heritage, of myself, and I look forward to it and to the wonderful people that are included in this journey. They say time heals all wounds, and brings wisdom and I am inclined to agree, hope to gain even more wisdom as more time passes.