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As I look back on my life I always had the Holy Spirit trying to guide me, Christ trying to work with me, so why so long to get to such a great place?
I had a certain level of faith and at times, without true contemplation and understanding, moved forward with things when my spirit was stirred to something. When I felt a call to ministry and the artistic, I really didn’t take the time to pray about how to prepare and so I went around in circles. I also had a hard time believing God could really love me and want to bless me, since as I saw it my earthly father didn’t fight to have me with him, didn’t think I was worth having around, and my mom, she loved me, but she just couldn’t understand the artistic and intuitive empath gifts, so there was a lot of tension there growing up, lots of discouragement etc.., so I had a faith in a creator that I think i was born with since at not even the age of four my parents one night found me kneeling at the edge of my bed hands folded prayer style and me looking up at the sky smiling eyes closed whispering to someone. When they asked I said I was saying goodnight to our big daddy in the sky. They were speechless. When they divorced, that whole nasty thing take away my ability to believe, not my faith, but my ability to believe that I could ever have security, happiness etc… It has taken a very long time to shed all the negative baggage from that part of my life, from my childhood and one or two not so wise decisions in my adult life. God is very wise, so is Christ and of course the Holy Spirit.
Now that I have shed most of that baggage, they have been able to bring me to a place where I can put forth my gifts, talents, my skills etc…not only for my own personal development etc.., but also for the good of community, fellowship, faith, so much more. Now I can hear the Holy Spirit stirrings and step back to process, seek to discern the whole picture of what God wants done, not for my own desires, but for a broader good, one that will also of course be a benefit for me in the long run, teach me, help me grow. The combination of faith, belief that I am worthy, and the stirrings of the Holy Spirit are a very powerful team to work with, when done rightly. I am glad that I have a great faith structure, Roman Catholicism and a great church Shrine of the Most Precious Blood in lower Manhattan to work with, to grow and develop in my faith life and my life in general.