evening ocean

Fibromyalgia is a shadow, a lingering shadow, always there, there is always a reminder of it, in some form of pain or health issue that comes up, in the medication on the kitchen countertop every time I go in there.  I have been asked what frustrates me most about this syndrome, situation.

Some might think the pain, all the doctor appointments, and all of that, even not being able to do all I used to.  That’s not what frustrates, annoys me most about this syndrome. What most does is the dependency on government, those programs, the fact that I have to be reliant on them, that I don’t yet have a steady stream of income from the arts and other venues that I can tell the government “go to hell, don’t want or need your assistance, I am totally self reliant and self sufficient”.  When people ask about what I do for a living,    Having to rely on public assistance, and be at the mercy of government agencies can be most depressing.  It robs you of your sense of usefulness and all that.  It can make you feel like you don’t want to participate in activities and socialize because what do you say when you are asked what do you do for a living?  I could say a “starving artist” or something like that, but at 50 something that doesn’t sound too great.  I love songwriting etc.., but I am finding that inspiration is harder to come by because I am not out there living life because of the finances, the fibromyalgia and not wanting to feel when asked about my life like I don’t have a positive response to that.  I can’t tell you the number of times I have had to fight these thoughts, feelings.   I have not lost my faith, and continue to do what I do in hopes that there will be a change in my life, a change that sets me free from this enslavement that is government and government programs, to a life of self sufficiency.  This I pray every day, each and every day, so that I earn my daily bread and can be an example to others of overcoming, of becoming self reliant, staying that way.

Amen