My childhood left me with a number of things. It left me with building up of resilience, it gave me a warrior soul, which since fibromyalgia hit hard, turned my life upside down years ago I needed. It left me with a certain understanding of life, and made for a long journey of faith, of seeking. It also made for some gifts that I would like to return.
One of those is constant subconscious fear of “getting it wrong” and “fear of making a commitment to a particular church or wellness program”. My mom also projected a lot of her fears about the world and life, her subconscious fears on me about lack and my not getting things right. I think it stemmed though more from her sense of her not having gotten her own life right as she wished she had. All this created some gifts of childhood I am not too fond of. I keep thinking I never have enough information to guarantee a right choice, a decision with the perfect outcome and the other thing I keep thinking subconsciously I realize now is that the rug is bound to be taken out from under me. With these subconscious gifts leftover from childhood, making a firm decision to dedicate myself to the arts and the arts as a way of coaching, teaching, and coaching as a form of arts is a big step for me, committing to doing a podcast, all that, big deal. I need to meditate on holding on to the good gifts and for the new year release, the not so good gifts left to me of childhood. It won’t be easy, but if I can make one career commitment to one project long-term, where there is some of my own real skin in it and a faith commitment to a church, community organization or center that I discipline myself to stick with, that will be a huge step in 2019. One of my prayers is to have God gift me with a true companion, my truest soulmate, to share life with. For God to do that, I have to release these unwanted childhood gifts. I will do my utmost to do so for a brilliant and prosperous 2019 and beyond.
Namaste, Shalom, and Amen