Past Came Knocking, What’s Next?

Published by kappello on

There is always one great passion, love etc.. that remains etched in our heart, spirit and soul, and that is true for me.  However, when this great passion etc.. entered my life, circumstances were not favorable for us to be together, and also we had baggage, a lot of baggage and so trust, authenticity, acceptance one of the other for who  we were was not happening.  It was a roller coaster that hurt us both, though after a time, long while we did reconnect and there were no negative feelings etc…, probably because we had grown as people and so we could talk about that chapter without lashing out at each other.  Yet, we were not quite ready for full union, to really enter into a relationship, day to day relationship.  I had let it go, moved on with life, suddenly a few days ago, I get a message and this person forever etched in my heart, spirit and soul.

 I could have reacted based on pain from the past, emotional pain, but I chose not to and I said I would be happy to speak to them, meet with them, basically hear what they have to say. I had made it clear the last time we met that only under certain conditions would I open to being with them, being contacted by them.  I am assuming that things in their life have shifted so they can now be in a relationship with me, fully, completely and we can build something solid, healthy etc…I also have to understand that I have a responsibility in this also and that my own behavior in the past was less than mature, so I have to look in the mirror to see what dynamics, what communication patterns I need to modify, while still being my authentic self.  I need to be less reactive and defensive in terms of my worldview when engaging with this person who does not seem to hold to my same worldview.  Any insecurities I have from childhood, I need to deal with those, maybe discuss that with him, so he knows where I am coming from.  I might need to get some spiritual coaching in that area.  I should have a clear sense of what I would like to see happen with this relationship this time around, and try to understand what he expects.  I am happy to have the opportunity to give us another chance without all the childhood and other baggage I was carrying that interfered, and same on his end.  I also realize that while I have virtues, I also have “faults” and i need to be honest with myself about that, how that has interfered with my happiness in the past, resolve not to have that happen again, navigate through those muddy waters with faith and maturity.  This is part of my spiritual journey, which is helping me realize I am not religious, but I am very much a Philosopher, and a Spiritual Person, one who believes in the Four Noble Truths, Natural Laws as per for example the Ten Commandments, Higher Laws of Consciousness, striving to live according to these guides and boundaries for a healthy life and society.  Here again, he and I may not follow exactly the same path and he may not believe in the metaphysical, intuitive as I do, but I have to let go and just accept that each of us has our path and he has free will, I have free will and I have to respect his spiritual journey and hope he respects mine.  The past did teach me a few things and I am working on awareness, being in the present and present, in the moment, a lot more.  

Where will this go?  Hopefully a clean slate, brand new start, and something truly beautiful and lasting this time around, no breaking up and coming together cycle, that cycle broken once and for all.

Shalom and Amen


kappello

Born in New Jersey, August 1965, this Italian-American has always had a great interest in music, particularly the Oldies, Country and Ethnic music, including Irish. For over 10 years Ms. Appello passionately taught ESL to students of varying ages. Grounded if her faith and spirituality, Katherine endured a range of issues, including a great deal of pain, which was finally diagnosed to be associated with Fibromyalgia. The essence and the power of music, of words, allow Katherine to overcome these struggles each and every time. We are all blessed to have Katherine’s strength, wisdom, and words to write “Pray For Me Tonight’