Worst Type of Crying

Published by kappello on

 

It was about 5 am and the endometriosis pain, bloating was pretty bad and I had just taken an adviil.  I reside with my elderly mom, who is 95, and she had gone to bed.  I thought of who I used to be, this dynamo who used to hang out in the Village with her friends, or used to go the B&N on 8th street, or the one on 17th walk over to there and back home, run around doing errands and being a dynamo.  Now, everything hurting, far from being a dynamo, not physically anyway and I wanted to cry, I wanted to scream and cry, but that would have woken mom up, so the tears flowed, but the cry had to be a silent one and the scream also.  Then I realized I may not be a physical dynamo, but I am still a spiritual, verbal etc.. dynamo, so really the core of me has not changed, only that the vehicle of movement has been restricted.  I still have not really mourned that lost part of me I think, not really and I am not sure how to really do that, maybe I don’t want to do that.  I wished, and wish I had a space, place all to myself I could go and cry scream, pound on a few pillows, get that all out, and someone who understands what Fibromyalgia does to you to hug me tight after.  For now anyway I have to accept that the cries and screams will be silent ones.

Namaste, Shalom and Amen 


kappello

Born in New Jersey, August 1965, this Italian-American has always had a great interest in music, particularly the Oldies, Country and Ethnic music, including Irish. For over 10 years Ms. Appello passionately taught ESL to students of varying ages. Grounded if her faith and spirituality, Katherine endured a range of issues, including a great deal of pain, which was finally diagnosed to be associated with Fibromyalgia. The essence and the power of music, of words, allow Katherine to overcome these struggles each and every time. We are all blessed to have Katherine’s strength, wisdom, and words to write “Pray For Me Tonight’