I have learned to wear a mask, to have a “whatever, it is what it is” attitude. This stems from my childhood. After my parents divorced and issues with that, very visible throughout my life and young adult years, where I was not always wise in my choices, in stewarding my blessings, gifts, even recognizing them and being grateful for them, I learned to wear a mask. I have learned to always smile, joke and say it’s all okay.
I recently had a partial hysterectomy, two weeks ago and two nights ago and as I was struggling to find a comfortable place and way to sleep since my left side still is sore and the incisions are painful, so I can’t sleep on that side. Sleeping on my back is tough since I have sinus issues, so sleeping on one side all night, trying not to make sudden moves so my left side incisions don’t hurt is tough, uncomfortable etc.. Two nights ago as I was struggling to sleep I told myself, it’s fine, all good, life is all good. Then something felt like a smack upside the head and I thought to myself, no it’s not okay, what all these health issues, fibromyalgia has done is not okay. I shouldn’t pretend all the time that everything is okay, that I don’t need anyone or any help because that is not true. Fibromyalgia and different health issues took a chunk of my life away and that is not really okay. I allowed myself to feel that, be in the moment with that, be sad, doubt God for a moment, allowed myself to feel what I was feeling, no mask, no being superwoman, just feeling what I felt, and letting it move through me and breathing through it all. It felt good to be able to feel that in the moment and then let it go. Those feelings may very well come up again, more than once, but putting on a mask, pretending all is fine when it isn’t is not wise, not healthy. I need to be okay with sometimes not being okay and in the moment let it move through me, not react or take actions or judge it, but be with it and send myself rays of gold and pink loving light, be thankful to God for what is good, still acknowledge any pain, sadness etc… I may always, having a warrior instinct” fail to share the depth of what is truly going on, of any pain or sadness, but I need los start and I need to be okay with not always being okay.
Namaste, Shalom and Amen