I Am Not…
Yesterday the I got to the doctor’s office I was feeling sunny, broke out in a cold sweat, had the beginnings of a Vasovagal episode and when I got home I ate a bit, and still felt off, so check my sugar, it was low, considering I had had an apple turnover, and then even had an Ice Coffee with Hazelnut creamer, and a snack on my way back. My BP was also low and stuff I wanted to get done, I didn’t have the focus etc.. to do some recording and other stuff I wanted to do.
My first thought in all this happening was to go through a powerpoint presentation in my head of my life, where I had screwed up, the Fibromyalgia restrictions all of that. I felt for a few moments weighed down, old, tired etc.. Then when I got home after having a bit of food checking my sugar and all that jazz, I went to look for something and found a drawing my neighbors daughter did for me and one she did for mom. She and her mom are wonderful, great people. I realized that I am not the fibromyalgia. Yes, I have had to make changes, and I can’t do what I did before this shadow attached itself to me with a vengeance, but that’s okay. Yes, some people, even in my family, have made comments that were not at all empathizing with the Fibro, just the opposite. I went to my site where I have my music and poetry, and saw all the great feedback of how may material is postiviely impacting people and it made me realize that I am surrounded by those who appreciate me etc.., some of my friends are even giving to my Gofundme campaign. I have family abroad that I know love me and I care for them a great deal. When I saw this poem, I thought of all this, of how I went in circles chasing after things of the world, not focusing on my path of ministry and artist. I can still do both, but because of the Fibromyalgia not to extent I would have done when I was younger than my 50’s, with Sunday, my birthday being one where I am at peace, in faith etc.. and it helps a lot that being in faith. I have to keep reminding myself I am not my age, or what I wear or any of that, nor is the sum total of me my syndrome. That’s not always easy to remember, but I do my best to do so. That is what keeps this fibromyalgia girls out of any depression.
Namaste, Shalom and Amen