Sadness, Peace, Resignation
There is a sadness that never really leaves me, it’s always there, and I have been trying to figure out what that sadness is, what it’s about. When I saw this quote, I realized, the sadness is about being tired of being tired, of the Fibromyalgia crashes etc.., tired of regret for past screw-ups, relationships that I wish had been handled differently etc..I’m tired of seeing my 90 something mom so fed up with life, with so many pills, the different health issues she is dealing with. I am grateful for the record deal I have now with Bentley Records, other good stuff coming my way. Yet, I am still finding myself sad, this residual sadness that I can’t shake. There is this feeling of loss, of lack of community, especially with the past year having been one where I have had a number of procedures, including a partial hysterectomy. The fibromyalgia is part of it, but it’s not just that.
I am realizing now that what I feel sad about is the years of dysautonomia and trying to find my way home faith and vocation wise having meant I never really became part of a community and now I am drawn to both the OrthodoxJewish and also the Catholic community, Orthodox Catholic, none of this progressive wing destruction fo the church sector. I guess the Catholic, in terms of the Sunday Service is close to the Jewish Service, Conservative and so I feel it honors on some level its’ Jewish roots. I am hoping God can answer one prayer, which I think would shift things, have a space all my own where at any time of the day or night I can create, write, record. I am also praying He leads me to the community I can vigorously, joyfully call home for the rest of my life.
Namaste, Shalom and Amen