God, Determination, Faith Bigger Than

God Is Bigger.jpg

Life has a lot of stuff it throws at you.  Me, it threw messy divorce of my parents, not  a heck of a lot of support for my gifts, talents, no real mentoring to help me find my way with any of that, lots of pain etc.. from the divorce, being caught in the middle of a lot of anger etc.. between dad’s family and mom, fibrmyalgia, debt, lack of life direction, lots of pain, lack of direction, of support, of any mentorship, all the pain that goes with all of this, and a not so healthy relationship with my mom who without realizing it, due to the language barrier she had and never remedied, failure to create a life outside of being my mom, created an unhealthy co-dependent relationship for her and me.

All of this could have totally chewed me up, spit me out, crushed me, but my faith, however imperfect, however choppy at times, my determination to find my way home to my purpose in life, to realize what my core gifts, talents were and put them to constructive use were stronger than any of this stuff.  Do I have great finances at 52, and a life as I wish it?  No? Am I with the love of my life? No, not yet.  However, that does not mean it not within my reach, it just means I have to stay the course, stay the path to get them and keep the faith, keep the determination and any negative destructive, self destructive crap voices that crop up, don’t listen tell them to take a hike go screw themselves, they are not taking me down. End of debate!!!

Further Discovery of Self

The Journey That is Life.

In my previous post I discussed my health having taken a nosedive int he past months, drastically so after having stopped going to synagogue and having gotten more involved with the church and faith of my family and childhood, Catholic church, and after having ceased my metaphysical meditations.  Strange huh? Well, yes and no.  

A dream I had this morning might have clarified it. I had a dream and was told I am passionately philosophical, spiritual, a teacher, life coach with an artistic streak, but am not and will not ever be religious, not in my nature, going contrary to that is not healthy. I am inclined to ponder on that. Should that be the case, my values and worldview remain firmly Conservative!!!  If I am to look back at synagogue what I love was the artistic aspect to it, the fact that we sang through the whole service and it would bring me to tears and that we sang in the language of Jesus and the Apostles, of those times.  Then afterwards, the gathering for further prayers and meal, for that sense of community, then for those who wished to study together or to gather for private further prayer, could do so.  Your Sabbath was so full, so beautiful.  Their political views in the majority, liberal, but their welcoming so warm, their acceptance of me so beautiful, and the other thing that was beautiful was how the Rabbi welcomed projects etc.., bold innovative attempts to help the community, to move the church and interfaith communications forward.  It was a place of true spirituality and community.  What I am realizing is that it was not so much the religion aspect per se, as I really don’t fit into any specific religious mold.  I believe in God, a creator and that Jesus did give his life for us, of his own free will, that he had a special anointing, so I do accept him as Christ, as one with a special anointing and role in faith tradition and history.  What I found at the synagogue was community, true collaboration, cooperation and a well organized institution. The only component for me that I would have to love outside of there for would be the artistic expression, as a performing artist.  I loved all of that, but I am not big on elaborate ritual and the idea of learning a whole bunch of new prayers and rituals really weigh me down.  I have to figure out how to honor my heritage, my love of the Jewish roots of my heritage, and still honor who I am as the dream rightly pointed out, and who I am not, which is a religious person.  I have to find a home where I can do so or create one and for others along those same lines.


Why We Hold On, Even When Drowning

Letting Go Never Easy, But Necessary

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We all have dreams and we have such high hopes for them to come true, maybe a childhood dream that we have always had.  Understandable, what nourishes.

Suddenly seems you have that chance, that opportunity to make it all a reality, and you pour heart and soul into it, sweat blood and tears to make it happen, to make it work, yet it doesn’t.  What’s going on and what do you do?  Could be that what you are offering is not what people want, are looking for, need.    Could be that the concept in general is fine, just the content is not what people want or need.  Could be God rejects what you are doing and won’t allow it to move forward for whatever reason.  Could be your motivation is not in line with what God thinks it should be. These are just some of the things that come to mind as to why projects, dreams don’t move forward, don’t bring forth fruit.  Why do we hold on to them even though they are not bearing fruit? Dreams are like our children.  The thought of letting them go, die etc… pains us, is hard to fathom, hard to do, as the song says “breaking up is hard to do” that goes for us and our dreams.  No one wants to walk away from their dream, their dream project that they implemented.  There is also pride, especially when everyone is telling you you’re spinning your wheels.  You don’t want to give in because well, human nature. You don’t want to give them that satisfaction of folding up your tent, paramount to admitting to all the nay sayers that they were accurate in their assessments.  You prefer to keep going even when deep down you might know this is not working, not what people are responding to, want or need.  You might not do anything to move on the things that are going to be embraced, might drag your feet on those. If anyone decided to go right ahead and make all that other stuff happen, not wanting to fiddle faddle, to dawdle, get a move on the things that will work, you might get darn right offended dammit that you are not being supported as you feel you ought to be.  That may not be the case at all, but you might perceive it that way.  Again, dreams are like children and you don’t want to let them go or lose them.  

What do you do with these dreams, these dreams when they come up smack against reality?  Well, you could just ignore reality,  cross your arms, ignore all all input, feel negative about the persons giving the input because they care,  see the writing on the wall as they say, follow only that dream you have, nothing else.  You could do that, to the very end, no matter what the fiscal etc.. consequences.  I myself, been there, done that, not a big fan.  You could adjust the plan to what The Holy Spirit gives you after much meditation and prayer, so it fits God’s will not yours, not easy for us humans to do, pride you see, remember we were tempted by the serpent who said we could be God like to have all knowledge.   You could just accept that the dream needs to be let of and mourn like you would for anything else that you love and you had to release, had to let go of, though it pained you.  Different people will respond differently when faced with reality of the dream not rendering fruit, once implemented.

What of those around them who may not agree with the dream being continued even as it is clearly not rendering fruit? What of those around them who are in any way affected by the financial ramifications, let’s say a musician who is paying the band out of pocket because the gigs for the past year have not produced any revenue though they have heavily invested in promotions etc..? What of his family?  What of friends who care and it hurts them to see him do this and to see all that effort?  What of the band members, those who have heart anyway, how do they feel?  If they have heart, they see no fruit being born of this, and the manager of the band, or if the manager is paying out of pocket for several months, if the band member have a heart, they have to be thinking, no, this is not right.  What do they do? Does the lead singer tell the manager, this can’t go on and risk being seen as the one who burst the manager’s bubble if the manager put the whole band together, launched the dream? If the band members tell the lead singer, will they be seen as the ones who destroyed the dream, burst the bubble, hated?  Will friendships be ruined because the caring won’t be seen, just the bubble bursting?  Tough thing when you have to let go of the dream, and even tougher when you are the one bringing reality home to the dreamer because you risk them potentially hating you for bursting the bubble of this dream.  If you care, and you consider yourself a true friend, then you need to be as honest as you can, with love and kindness, maybe using questions, a parable, like Jesus and those in the Bible did.  If in the end you are thrown out of the kingdom, disliked, at least you know you spoke from the heart.  If you are the dreamer, well only you can decide up to what point you can stay in the dream before it’s time to wake up to reality, even if that reality is not one you like.

This is what the Holy Spirit promoted me to write for my blog today.