Fibromyalgia and the Battle Within

night sky and stars

Right now I am on 900 mcg of gabapentin and topomax 75 mcg, and get shots periodically to help with the pain, joints, the overall everyday pain and discomfort that Fibro brings.  However, I am starting to once again feel the overall joint pains and discomfort after it has calmed down for a bit.  For some of us, there is the strict diet due to issues arising from the Fibro, so finding the roods that are gluten free and sticking to a very strict diet, not fun.  It’s tiring, but what also happens is a battle with yourself.  You are in a war with our own body, and it’s very tiring.  Depression is easy to fall into, even chronic depression, so one truly has to have faith, some kind of grounding and something that helps you to move past it, not give up on yourself and life. I think this says it well.

Fibro, Least Uncomfortable Possible.jpg

Whether it’s clothing, which is a whole other annoying thing, pure cotton and soft cotton and silk, spongy silk like material are the only materials often we will tolerate, or even skin care, which requires the purest of ingredients etc.., it’s tiring, annoying and expensive, if you also have to take expensive supplements.  I could just give up, stay in bed all day, and whiter away, but I won’t do that, and if I crash during the day on the couch as I am watching TV, well it is what it is.  I refuse to be totally sidelined by the syndrome and I think personality, and all that has a lot to do with how we handle these things.  I am naturally stubborn and a bit of a rebel, so I refuse to let this define me.  I manage it, move through it, pain and all, but I won’t let it define me.   What defines me is my faith, are my gifts and talents


What I Miss, Reclaiming It.



Today I took a lovely long walk, something that many would take for granted.  For those with chronic health issues, syndromes it’s something that matters.  When a syndrome leaves you so exhausted, has you in pain on an ongoing basis etc…that you go stretches of time crashing in bed and not being able to even enjoy a walk, sitting outside in your favorite spot, having your ipod and listening to great music and meditation material.  The best nutshell way to describe it is this:  a complete physical, mental, emotional, spiritual assault on your body.  This is one of the things I miss, that Fibromyalgia since it has flared up with a vengeance.  I am hoping to reclaim that and a few other things.  One of the things that  makes those of us fighting chronic health issues and syndromes is when people say stuff like “but you look good”  “maybe if you got out more”  “you just need to push yourself more”  People may mean well, but for us, these sound like what is being said is “you’re faking, lying” and “you’re just lazy, or exaggerating”  My thought when anyone gives the kind of advice or nuggets of wisdom mentioned here is “no you S.O.B. I am not fine, not OK, not lazy, what the hell do you know about it?”  I just want to smack the person and sometimes just want to cry from the frustration.  

What might cause a flare up of Fibromyalgia or these types of syndromes:

Common Fibro Flare Ups

What can you do if your dealing with chronic health issues such as pain, such as fibromyalgia?  Consult your doctor before try anything to alleviate any symptoms etc..  Here are some suggestions, starting with foods.  Try to incorporate anti-inflammatory foods such as:  flaxseed, green tea, avocado, cantaloupe, walnuts, pineapple, berries, garlic, broccoli.  Aromatherapy with certain oils as you meditate, even  in your bath, such as:Balsam Fir, Bergamot, Roman Camomile, Rosemary, Lavender, Eucalyptus, Clary Sage.  As far as exercise, you have to be careful when you have syndromes such as fibromyalgia.  I for example am so hypersensitive I can not do any physical therapy, have any massage other than hot stone massage, do tai chi, walk.  You need to consult your doctors about what type of exercise you can handle, is recommended for you.  If you are crashing a lot, lots of fatigue, you can do some basic very light stretches at home, put on some music that is upbeat and some light dance moves, nothing strenuous, just to get the circulation moving.  For me what also helps is spirituality and meditation, it’s a great anchor in the midst of the chaos that is fibromyalgia.   I hope this helps, and that if you encounter anyone or have anyone with a chronic health issue or syndrome in your life this will help you understand, just a little bit better.  On a final not I leave you with this, the stages of fibromyalgia, but this can apply to any syndrome or chronic health issue situation.

Fibromyalgia Stages.jpg

Oy and Oy!!

Once Again Faith Kept It Together For Me


I went for my next to last IV Vitamin infusion today, one of a series of six in three weeks, after having done a series of three already a few weeks back.  Today, the girl was distracted and not paying attention to which needle she was using for the IV or the amount of pressure on the IV.  OY!  There i am waiting for the thing to finish and waiting and waiting, my back started to hurt, my neck, and with my IBS, my bladder was screaming and was in great discomfort.  I will also have to get sonograms done abdomen and pelvic, so water and full bladder, not fun.  Yet, in the midst of the pain, and all that I was totally at peace with it all, wasn’t angry at anyone about it, was hungry so I rushed home, didn’t pick up my meds at the pharmacy, or run errands I needed to, but will have to tomorrow.  What kept it together for me today and remembering that my eyesight seems to be a bit worse than the last time I saw the doc, just slightly, upcoming appointments, the pain I was experiencing? Faith, faith in knowing that all of the heavens were accompanying me, and that they would be not matter what twists and turns life takes me through. 

Doesn’t mean I was not annoyed by what happened today, that the fibromyalgia doesn’t frustrate me in that it limits my activities, it does, but the faith is greater that the frustration, and so I am able to stay in peace and also think about what is my next blog piece going to be about?  What is the next song I want to write and record/  Stuff like that.  That is a beautiful thing and the beauty of faith, of a spiritual anchor, being connected to the Trinity, to a positive spiritual anchor.

Shalom and Amen

Paradise in the Journey of Thorns

Peaceful Retreat.jpg

I got my blood test results back and the results were thorns.  My thyroid was high, and all my vitamin and iron counts, low.  In addition my doctor expressed concerns about cysts in the pelvic and abdominal area, so change in thyroid meds, vitamin IV infusion twice a week for three weeks, and sonograms.   Thorns, and more thorns, yet I find myself totally at peace, no anxiety, no anger about the constant crashing of the waves of fibromyalgia against my being.  None of that, simply, do what you have to do to take care of things, keep working towards your goals.  What am I doing in that respect?  I am following instinct, rather what the Holy Spirit guides me to do.

I researched online, found music submission sites, to submit my music to blogs and radio stations, dj’s, so I am getting the music, stuff out there.  I will do that consistently.  This blog, well I will keep creating these meditation style pieces for you.  I will keep seeking to find ways to inspire so on and so forth, and if you wish to support those efforts and donate I hope you do.  I will promote this blog on radio and as guided by Holy Spirit at the right time, do live events, and I hope that will be soon.  I understand that the plan of the Creator for my life is ministry, and now I am fully ready to be guided as to what that looks like.  It is a beautiful place, a place of peace, beauty, fibro thorns and all.































Every Bit Counts, So Show Up

Every Bit Counts

Just Show Up

Much of my life, and I wasn’t consciously aware of it, I was trying to prove I was worthy, I mattered, I was somebody and all that junk, who I was, what I did mattered.  Problem with that is that in not realizing I already was somebody of great worth by virtue of being a Child of God, once accepting Christ, Consciousness of Christ, fully, had I done that straight up, not going in circles, I was very much loved, appreciated, and wanted.  It didn’t matter if my dad, his family hadn’t wanted me, or my family thought any less of me for any reason, didn’t think I was up to snuff because I was artistic more than buried in books, philosophical conservative more than academic liberal, and the list goes on.  I missed out on a lot of opportunities to develop my craft as a songwriter and vocalist because I didn’t think I could make it, really had what it took, not really and there was no encouragement anywhere around not where it really counted for me, so I thought. I never understood that no major gestures or larger than life stuff needed to happen etc… for me to make a difference.  I could make a difference by saying hello, smiling, by speaking Gospel truth, with a poem, a song, any number of ways, taking a photo and posting it, that inspires, sure it may not win awards and it may not get me to Hollywood, not that I would want to hang there with those people, yuk, but saying, might not get me in the so called big leagues, but it can still make a huge difference to someone.  It can ignite a beautiful memory that takes them out of depression, who know what that photo, poem, simple song can do, what that hello and smile can do. Maybe I don’t do it perfectly, get it perfectly right, and the fibromyalgia means I don’t do what I used to be able to do, or to it with as much gusto and energy as I used to, which is not do to laziness, contrary to what some might think, but due to the fibro fatigue, but that’s okay.  I just need to show up for life, trust in the Holy Spirit, and let myself be guided in my gifts, and let the rest flow.  We have so many ways big and small we can make a difference, so never feel that just because you are doing something extraordinary that the whole world knows about, you are not making a difference, you might be making more of a difference in people lives than you know. 

Shalom and Amen

Get Bitter or Get Better

Get Bitter or Get Better

Last week I had to get my shots for arthritis, today vitamin infusion shots, Wednesday more arthritis shots, for the next two Mondays more vitamin infusion shots, then there are the multiple meds in the morning, and in the evening, the constant fatigue etc… So, do I get bitter or do I get better, a better way of managing my life, navigating my life?  I could allow myself to get totally depressed boo hoo, oh poor me boo hoo play me a violin yeah yeah yeah, oh please really? Don’t think so.  Alternatively, I could enrich my spiritual life, create perhaps a greater spiritual and social network, engage more in the creative, start doing seminars, hosting seminars on topics I feel strongly about.  The fibromyalgia is there, no disputing that, but just because that circumstance exists, doesn’t mean I have to be a victim.  It is up to me whether I stay on surface and float, swim or whether I sink to the bottom.  God can only help me, but I have to be willing to be helped, to be  willing to reach out to him and fight the good fight, to want to float and swim, in the depth of my heart, spirit my soul somewhere.  If I am then He will give me the strength to do so and at some point much more.

Vertigo Reminding Me of Balance


Letting go helps us to to live in a more peaceful state of mind and helps restore our balance. It allows others to be responsible for themselves and for us to take our hands off situations that do not belong to us. This frees us from unnecessary stress.
Melody Beattle

For the past few days, due to inflammation from a recent ear and sinus infection I have been dealing with Vertigo, not fun, not one iota of fun.  It reminded me that life requires balance, especially when you have something chronic like Fibromyalgia.  You have to find a healthy balance of spiritual, emotional, creative etc…really important.  I think when that is lacking you subconscious will do something to remind you that you have missing pieces, or things are out of whack and you need to find your balance again, or in the first place.  That’s not always easy to do in this world we live in, but it is crucial to our wellness, very crucial.  I hope that I can find my balance and find it well. 


A Plant Reminded Me of My Strength


Last Night was not fun, my blood pressure went to 157/100 and I wanted to throw up. my head hurt, chest hurt, I was shaking, slight twinge along my left arm.  It was not fun and a bit scary.  Yet I was not in a panic and my thoughts were not dark or panicked ones.

What was I thinking you might ask, and well even if you don’t, I’m gonna tell ya.  I was thinking about what I was going to record next, how happy I was that in three months my debt would be paid off, the larger one, was thanking God for my life, planning what I would be recording next and telling Satan no way he was winning, no matter what we and the Lord would kick his sorry tukkus. I was smiling, and my mom was scared, had this scared look and then this look of utter confusion because she couldn’t understand why I was smiling.  I was holding my head and my chest, clearly in discomfort, but I was smiling.  I took my heart med, the extra dose as needed and then things calmed down and I told her all that was going through my mind.  I then looked over to the table and there was a plant with flowers our neighbor had given us and she had told us that even if the flowers die the plant will continue to last as long as mom waters it regularly.  I smiled again, a big grin and realized that was me.  The flower, my body may have moments of death, of pain etc.., but my heart, spirit, soul, they belong to God, so no matter how much Lucifer tries to mess with my body, my finances, has influenced my impulsive tendencies that led me to not such a great financial place now, I can’t be destroyed, or knocked out for the count.  The faith is too strong, the will to kick dark side tukkus and overcome sin stronghold is too strong, that connection to the faith, not religion, but the faith in holistic biblical spiritual truth is too strong at this point in my life.  Like that plant, some of the flowers may wither and all that, but the plant is resilient overall and it wont allow hell or high water to destroy it.  I am too stubborn for that, thank God.  That stubborn streak has gotten me into trouble, but it also has served me well on some levels.  I have had to learn to curb in a bit and know when to bend, when to be more flexible, and I am still learning to discern that.  One thing I do know is never compromise on the truth of my faith and Biblical truth, biblical moral truth, ethics and integrity as put forth by scriptures with clear lines and boundaries drawn, including for nations and governance.  

As I move forward hopefully soon with artistic representation, God willing, I hope that I will continue to be that plant that though some of the flowers may wilt at times etc.., the plant itself stays firm and strong, faith, hope, gifts, talents nurtured.


Sleep Apnea Test, Sono and Mammo Oye!

Winter Glaciers

As I think of these two tests coming up, the sleep apnea test and the breast mammogram and sonogram, they have to do both as I have cystic tendencies, and so they need both for a proper assessment, I have to admit, there’s a bit of chill in the air.  But I have faith, so there shouldn’t be a chill in the air should there? 

Some might say that this indicates a lack of faith on my part, that I should have absolutely no doubts, no concerns or anxieties etc…  To that I say “poppycock!!” They seem to not have read their Bible because even Jesus had anxiety and prayed constantly, asked that this bitter cup be taken away from him when he was shown in full color what awaited him.  Peter, fearless to plunge and walk on water over to Jesus suddenly went into panic mode and almost drowned.  I had a lump removed from my right breast, have had skin cancer three times.  I have sleep issues due to the fibromyalgia, one of several issue courtesy of the fibromyalgia.  Has God, has my faith and the entirety of the heavenly bodies been of great sustenance along with my friends, music and other great outlets, constructive ones? Absolutely.  However, it would mean I have no heart, no soul, not feeling if I did not have anxiety on any level.  However, what matters is how I handle it, that I don’t dwell on it, focus on it, allow it to become the focus of my day, or occupy too much space or any significant amount of space in my mind.  That’s what matters.  I will probably we doing sleep studies periodically and I have to have a mammogram and sonogram every year, every year they find something, so far except for that one time when they found a lump that had to be removed, all they have found are cysts that were of not grave concern.  Can anxiety and concern be totally eradicated? No, but it does not need to overwhelm, take over etc…

AmenWinter Glaciers

Quote and Relection

Deepest Pain Greatest Calling

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When I say that the fibroymyalgia has in a way turned out to be a great blessing some might think “she’s nuts”.  When I saw this quote, I thought, yeah, that’s me.

As I reached the 50 year age mark, the fibromyalgia not letting, coming back stronger than ever after seeming to have calmed down, I really decided it was time to focus on what I wanted to do with my life, what my calling was, and so I decided I needed to really focus.  I wanted to focus on the artistic and also on inspiring and motivating.  If I had not had the fibromyalgia crisis, I may not have come to this point, revamped my internet presence, left only youtube and this blog as my platforms and venues for sharing my gifts, talents.  I wold be still like a palm tree swaying here and there, not confident in the gift given to me by the Lord or fully in him to move forward with my calling.  Also, I am going to be looking to a faith venue that really speaks to me as an artist to use my gifts as an artist in faith.  While pain and struggle are never something we should actively seek, that does not mean it can not serve as a way to focus an unfocused life or help us to reach a level of understanding we did not have before if we can get past, let go of anger, resentment all that stuff.