As I work with the church, as I realize I am on the right path as an artist and minister, as I connect with these artists I see echoes, the path not taken. Why was that path not taken? As I said in a previous post, this year my birthday has been a somber one and unlike ones in the past three years, I din’t really have any smiles or anything like that, just lots of somber reflection. I guess over 50 will do that to you. Why was the path of artist and minister combined not taken?
Baggage and fear at the root of it. How? I carried baggage from childhood with me into my young adult years and up until a few years ago. It was a heavy load and it created also fear, fear that I wouldn’t be perfect enough, get things perfectly right on the one hand, but so anxious to do that I didn’t really listen to the Holy Spirit as I should have for my own life. My intuitive side was great when it came to other people, dreams of foreknowledge about friends and family, discernment for them, all great, but for me, for my own life, the baggage, thus the fear, and thus not such great decisions were the result. If I had been able to let go of the baggage, the fear from that, and discern, I probably, even without any support from the family for my artistic bent, or from mom, I could have done the following. I could have joined a church choir, stuff like that and with that compensation, since college paid for private voice and acting lessons, since music is also in a way theatre. I could have built a career as an indie artist and songwriter. I had so many negative voices from that baggage and also some negative external ones, which I allowed to interfere. The arts has its’ pitfalls, no doubt, so a strong faith life, a strong boundaries spiritual and faith life, as well as community of like minded people of strong faith etc… are the way to keep you grounded. You also have to really let go of baggage, fears and pre-conceived notions of fame, fortune, success all of that and do it for the love of the arts. You also have to have a life and other interests outside of that, again to keep you grounded.
This birthday, my life has had echoes, echoes of could have, should have, wish I had done. I can’t change what was, but I can change what is and what will be, this is my opportunity to help this parish thrive, and also to put down the echoes. I also need to find ways to earn my daily bread with these gifts and then those echoes will be further put aside and dissolved. Life has been quite a journey and I don’t want anymore echoes unless they are of my having realized my full potential in this area and come into union with my truest soulmate, the man who is my truest soulmate at all levels including creatively. Now, I need to totally trust The Lord, not the voices of a negative nature. Don’t get me wrong if people see a pattern that is not healthy for you, even in terms of the projects you are doing not being right in line with the Lord, or not succeeding and requiring an overhaul of some kind, that’s different. I am talking about those voices that chip away at your confidence, self esteem, that do not value your talents in full or at all, may even mock them. Those voices you need to drown out with the Holy Spirit’s voice and solid scripture, prayer, poetry, music that will uplift etc… May all listen to and fully precisely discern it and our path early on in life, that is my wish for all. I look forward to great work at Most Precious Blood and also in ways that will earn me my daily bread in spades as they say.