I Choose To

For the longest time, I had said I had no interest in the dating game, that it was something I had no interest in, the game playing and then that the fibromyalgia was something no one was going to want to take on, so why bother to seek a relationship?  Of course, there is the fact that I have not lived a perfect life, made some lousy decisions with my finances so on and so forth.  The truth is two-fold. 

First, the not having lived a perfect life, and childhood baggage I have not been able to fully unload have played a part in my withdrawing from the world because I don’t want to have to explain myself and lousy choices made, lousy decisions made, etc..  Second, the fibromyalgia has restricted my life in so many ways that I don’t think anyone would want to take that on. On some level these are true, but maybe because of that baggage I can’t fully let go of, this poem is very accurate in why I have not fully engaged with the community, others. It’s easier to love from a distance, in one’s own fantasy of someone or of love, etc.., and it’s the same for my goals and dreams artistically and in ministry.  It’s less painful to stay online, to have the dream of an indie artist career and that of seminar leader.  In that world there is no rejection, no pain, just put the material out there and forget about having to earn my daily bread, just don’t even try to book gigs because either the fibro will get in the way or they may think my stuff is nothing special, and not come back for further events, etc..  Easier to love and build a career because of the baggage and the fibro from a distance, and not engage with the world really, but that is not living.  Hopefully, as I start my classes with Chabad and get involved in the community I can stop loving etc.. from a distance, hopefully.