I have been thinking a lot about a past relationship and what made it dysfunctional for us. I guess as my birthday is coming up August 4th, and it’s my 51st birthday, so I am really looking at a lot of different things in my life and also realizing what I don’t have patience for etc…
As I looked at a particular relationship, one that was long term and a deep connection, intense, I realized there were three things that were obstacles in particular: immaturity, wounded souls, and clashing worldviews/worlds. There was immaturity in terms of not really understanding love, relationship, not being able to really give, receive love and it doesn’t matter whose side any of this was on, it made it impossible for the relationship then to work, to be healthy to progress in any meaningful mature way. Don’t get me wrong, we connected, we cared deeply, worried about each other, had dreams and hopes for the relationship etc.., but these factors made it impossible back then for it to grow. Why did these factors exist? Why could was there this immaturity on either side, this inability to receive love on either side etc..? Wounded souls, wounded in childhood, wounds that were carried into adulthood and into relationships with others, with ourselves even. If you have all these layers of wounds, you can’t interact in a healthy way with others in a relationship no matter how much you care, and you can’t really receive love or appreciate someone who loves you or the love they give you, the deep psychic connection you have, any gifts they have vocational gifts. You may not be able to receive love. If you do love someone and if they love you, you may always question the other person if they are sincere, always thinking you are not good enough, that you have to achieve some grand thing to be good enough to be in a relationship with them, or in their circle. When you have wounded souls coming together and immaturity, not going to make for a very healthy union at that time, no matter how much they care for each other no matter how deeply, and no matter how hot the chemistry is. It was, the chemistry even years into the relationship was awesome. However, you had two wounded souls that had not healed the wounds and immaturity, so it could not have worked then. In addition, my worldview was one that was quite and still is to a fair extent esoteric, conservative, even politically and I have always had a strong pull to Zionism and Judaism, though I grew up Christian. He on the other hand grew up quite liberal progressive, anti-Zionist and then got very much due to a relationship caught up in the Muslim Persian world and was quite anti-Zionist, anti-Israel, his whole world, career, life was centered around Persia, Middle East all that. My world, my worldview nothing like that and not anything I was interested in becoming immersed in. It really felt like I could never fit in or be part of his world and he could never be part of mine. I realize that if we had come together that might have changed, but then I didn’t see it that way. I just saw what world he had become immersed in, that he was throwing his own roots under the bus for this other world that wanted to destroy his own roots Israel, it bothered me a great deal because for me Israel was the root of my faith, as Italy was the root of my ancestry and USA land of my birth all of which I would stand by with a vengeance, even if the politicians screwed up, but I would stand with and by them, their right to exist, thrive, grow, defend themselves, so his rejection of Zionism, of Israel, was infuriating to me. Though there was lots of love, awesome chemistry, you had two wounded souls and it was bad timing and circumstances were not ideal either. Life sometimes gives you interesting situations and sometimes you can handle them well, and sometimes not. Hopefully at some point you realize and you learn, grow, always a good thing.
Though he is not in my life anymore, it still is infuriating I have to admit, his rejection of Zionism of Israel. I have to admit, if he were to come back into my life, I would still not be comfortable with his immersion in that world of Persia etc.., but I would handle everything differently. The wounds from childhood have healed and I realize that part of life is a whole other chapter and it is not who I am now, that I have a choice as to who I choose to be. I can be that wounded child forever or after having acknowledged that wounded child, validated all her feelings etc.., cried a lot, let it all out etc.., let her go, not worry about being accepted by any particular group etc… who cares and truly live heart on my sleeve, from the heart and spirit and take it all one day at time. Whatever relationship situation I encounter, if I am accepted, loved from the get go great and I have to try to understand where they are coming from and take it from there, hope that they have done the same with their inner wounded child, let him go as well,that wounded inner child. I have learned a lot since the Fibromyalgia changed my life, and examined a lot, grown a lot, and whomever I do accept into my life now, I really hope they are not a wounded child in a grown up body, that they have gotten past that or at least are getting there, which would be okay as well. I have realized, one can have different worldviews, some great banter and discussion, as I do with my cousin Robert, dear friend Kim, but still be friends and love each other at the end of the day.
Namaste, Shalom and Amen