The past came has come visiting me these past few weeks, almost like a haunting, like a ghost. It stays buried for a while, but then either something with the fibromyalgia, something will resurrect the ghosts of the past, all the frustration about not paying attention to God’s plan for me, frustration about letting my childhood stuff cloud my choices etc… into adulthood. The past should stay in the past, shouldn’t cloud tomorrow, but I realized something. It has taken away, rather the baggage I have carried has taken away from me. It has up to now taken away any sense of safety, of choice, any real sense of the ability to make choices, not the right ones. In essence, what was ahead scared me because what had been had hurt me so much. Yet, I kept putting myself in relationship and career situations that would hurt me, cause pain, be one wall after another, one obstacle after another. It is only now that I am coming to understand this fully, this notion of being scared of what was before me, so I didn’t embrace, seek out fully God’s plan for me because I was too hurt by what had been and couldn’t really trust anyone fully, not even God. Am I in a place of being totally healed, where I can totally trust, even totally trust God? No, getting close, getting there, but not totally there, not yet. I am sure God understands and He is quite patient, so I just have to keep walking the journey till I get home, that’s all. What does home look like? Lots of music and ministry/coaching and lots of smiling as I share God, and the lessons of life with all the world, God’s path for me.
Shalom and Amen