Keep Coming Back To Same Point


As I think about a certain connection from the past and perhaps even my own journey at becoming who I am, where my life is, I guess one question keeps going back to the same point.  

It’s about acceptance and authentic self, the roots that feel authentic.  As I look at where I am now, I realize a key component of what has changed is acceptance of authentic self, not defining myself out of rebellion to society or anyone, not because suddenly everyone else is something,   etc…, but really having understood, come to understand more and more my authentic self, accept that.  I realize that while I am a conservative, I also am about trying to look at things from a common sense angle, holistically, even when coming from the heart and shooting from the heart, which can overwhelm others, but that’s me.  I don’t know if ideologue pure conservative fits, but neither does traditional progressive and I am okay with that, don’t have fit any of that, neither does any candidate.  If they are common sense, have a plan to get us where we need to be with little government and little bureaucracy, then works for me.  I also realize  I am an artist, teacher, minister, tough love one, all intertwined, not changing.   What I most pray for is my own space, and all the resources to live and breathe life and an indie artist, to create, produce, record each day, write each day, share each day.  This is who I am and trying to be anything else is false and a cause for dis-ease.  I need to stay within the permitters of authentic self.  Faith wise, that means I respect the faith of my ancestors, but it does not ring in alignment with me, Judaism, Christ’s faith growing up and Zionist Non Denominational Christianity that is spiritual not religious does, somehow complimenting each other, in tandem with each other.   This being authentic to self also means  that while I do care about others, and I want to be extend friendship to those who inspire me, whom I connect to even on a psychic level, I have to honor myself,  if I reach out to another with sincere enthusiastic friendship, even desire to collaborate whether in the arts, in ministry in friendship true, and they basically over and over again slap me down, I have to at some point decide they are not worthy of my time and effort.  One thing I can’t ever let happen is my self confidence be affected because any rejection of my friendship is a loss to them, not really to me.  If I have made the effort, reached out etc..but you didn’t value that effort and me enough to embrace it with gusto, then it is you who lose out on an amazing friendship etc…  

As I go back to a past connection, I had to wonder what was it that I could not bring myself to fully embrace that person coming back into my life free and clear wanting a second chance, a chance to get it right.  It’s the authentic thing.  They have sold their soul to something not authentic of self, of their roots.  They might do the outward religious stuff, but yet they keep trying to kiss tukkus of a society etc… that is not his roots, will never accept him, rather than fully embrace the one that will and Zionism, so I guess it is not that I rejected him even in the past, or do even now.  What I reject is his refusal to embrace his roots in full, stand with Israel unconditionally as rightful inheritors of the land by history and Covenant.  It is his embrace of a society that will and can never truly accept him unconditionally and sincerely that I reject.  It is his not having had the guts to be happy, find his path to true happiness and forge it against all wind and high water, against every storm, not matter what.    It is not him or his heart that I reject or any true feeling for me he would have, it is these things, these inauthentic things.   I do not reject, would not reject him, the person.

As for a more recent and newer connection, the reason I wrote the song about having to say goodbye was because of what I spoke of in my first paragraph.  Also what I reject in this connection is the inability to take the bull by the horns, go outside the box, take all this ideas, original ideas and implement them, the inability to break free from the box of a world other than the one he has been in as an artist, since he has been doing this for so long.  What I reject is his inability to reach back when reached out to, to be of totally open heart, spirit and soul with one who has shown believing in you so much and your gifts, original ideas, which are just sitting on stacks and stacks perhaps of notepads, gathering dust.  It is the “non curanza” as Italians say of the efforts made to extend friendship sincere and true that I reject.  I am supposed to go see this person perform in October, but may just give the tickets to someone else as there has been no indication of any interest in a true friendship and that is okay, not my loss, it truly is theirs.   I do wish them the best and I hope all those original songs, poems ideas gathering dust get sung, produced etc.. someday and with an amazing partner, who won’t just tell him what he wants to hear, but also kick tukkus as necessary with tough love. 

Life with fibromyalgia has taught me a lot and I hope I never stop learning and growing, keep moving outside the box in good ways.