Emotional Intelligence, Huh?

Domains of Emotional Intelligence

Connected to boundaries and discerning all of that is gaining emotional intelligence and they come in four areas.   Self is of course where to start, but can be one of the most difficult journeys to make.  We first need to know our life truth, even if it is uncomfortable or difficult to face because without understanding that, moving forward in a healthy way won’t really work.  We also have to reconcile with what was, even if what was has us going “what was I thinking?”  “How did I get myself into such a mess?” or has painful stuff to it, abandonment, abuse.  Reconciling with it, not saying we have to have people who did us wrong as part of your life, but having that moment of forgiveness for self, for the other person, not for them, but for you, to lift the load is a very important beginning on the journey of healthy heart, spirit and soul.  It’s also important to be a tree with good roots planted in the ground and know what your beliefs, values, patterns are both positive and maybe not so positive, and no one really wants to admit having not so positive patterns etc.. If we are going to change and grow we need to acknowledge that, not obsess, never obsess over the past or anything, never good.  Patterns include relationships, so are we runners, or do we tend to move too fast without really thinking, end up with egg on our face? Things like that might be going on, or maybe we set such high expectations, and on purpose, that no one can meet them and then we say that all men are this or all women are that.  We convince ourselves “there is no one out there for me, doomed to be alone forever”.  We all have patterns and understanding that is a good way to discern maybe even what our current values, even what, our character is.  I personally like to discern through meditation, prayer and reading not just scripture, but also some good psychology and philosophy.  I hope that we all can make this journey to become emotionally aware and grow as a person.

Namaste, Shalom, and Amen

Healthy Boundaries 5 and 6

Bouundary Signs

Knowing our boundaries is important, very important, why?  We can’t know when your sense of self, your boundaries physical, emotional, spiritual, ethical etc.. have been violated if we don’t even know what those boundaries are.  One of the reasons I am going to be doing seminars on discerning Values, Moral, Character and all that is so people can come to understand what our boundaries are or need to be, what boundaries we need to create.  Defining, acknowledging and then with gestures, facial expressions, firm wording, clear wording can all be ways to make boundaries clear to others, once we have defined them ourselves, and when we have been crossed. No seems to sometimes be a tough word to utter, to speak, but if we realize our body is your sacred vessel, a gift, even when it goes wonky, because it holds the essence of us, our spirit, soul, your consciousness, emotions, experiences, lessons learned etc.., maybe not so tough to say no.  Saying to what is not healthy, what is disrespectful to that truth matters, so if someone tries to push us to violate your own boundaries, well being, they are not a friend and it is not love.   We have to be, with great faith  and  a strong spiritual core the gatekeepers to our boundaries, to the sacred vessel that is us.  I also would love for us to contemplate this from Rumi:

Rumi If You Want the Moon

Namaste, Shalom and Amen

Unhealthy Boundaries 5 and 6

Bouundary Signs

Every heart the phrase “familiarity breeds contempt”, well if you are meeting people for the first time, you need to assess their level of comfort in connecting to people and at what pace.  Sometimes it’s geographical or cultural.  Latin Americans, those from the Islands tend to be expressive, open, as do Italians, whereas Mid-West Americans are not as expressive and not likely to give you a big hug and have that same larger than life persona that these other groups might have.  There may also be a religious component, if the person is of a particular faith, how you relate especially initially to women, to those you first meet may have certain protocols, so the intimacy levels of any first or initial meetings can be dictated by any number of factors, which need to be respected.  There is also personal dignity, having personal dignity and respect.  What about connection, can a connection be unhealthy? Yes, it can be.  Any connection in our lives can be unhealthy if it becomes all-consuming,  or if rather than helping us grow as a person during the relationship in a way that we are realizing our full potential, we are creating a beautiful life with that person as a partner in the journey, then great.  If that relationship takes over our lives, so we give up work, time with friends etc.. repeatedly, it becomes the center of our breathing, existing etc.., not healthy.  In any relationship there has to be balance, it can’t be your be all end all of things.  In all things, balance!  Always let us remember that word, balance!

First Buddhist Healing Circle

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I participated in my first Buddhist healing circle yesterday, which discussed Pain vs Suffering and of course in Western culture, we make them one and the same, but in Buddhist Darma, they are not.  A great analogy was given of We are the Sky and Everything Else is the Weather. 

The sky is always the sky, it is this vast canvass of stars etc.., it’s fixed, the sky is always there, we look up there it is, here we are, this body, spirit and soul, this being.  Everything that happens within us, around us aimed at us is the seasons, the weather, the planets, stars doing their thing.  How it is.  When we have clouds that signal rain etc.. or when it is raining etc.. we can ignore it, get really angry, go out into the rain etc..anyway no umbrella, no boots nothing, just pretend it’s warm and sunny and ignore what is.  That’s foolish, not very healthy either.  On the other hand, you can’t lock yourself in all winter terrified of the weather or possible meteorites or whatever.  What do you do?  You surrender, surrender to the fact that we have seasons, we have rain, snow all of that and you adapt, adjust your life, lifestyle seasonally accordingly.  Same with illness, loss of loved ones,  different difficult situations, not to say you make light of it, you don’t get angry and all that.  Rather than running around like a lunatic trying to get it all fixed overnight, stay with the pain, anxiety, anger etc.. in that moment, acknowledge it, accept it, process it, and ask it “Constructively, what do you need?”  Sitting with that, having that acknowledgement, processing, acceptance etc.. of this is where things are at, even if they suck, is an important part of the long term healing process, and acknowledging that we are mortal, not immortal, to appreciate what we have, even when things change, we feel things are taken from us.  It was a positive experience and I will be participating in more of Jeff Rubins online and in person healing circles.

Namaste, Shalom, and Amen

Healthy Boundaries 3 and 4

Bouundary Signs

Staying focused on your own personal growth and maintaining personal values are both important parts of maturity.   When we are working to grow as a person, as a professional, or if we are working to recover from some form of trauma, addiction etc…  Some think it might be selfish to focus on that, and I am not saying neglect the world and family etc.. and be narcissistic about it, or be so rigid you cut yourself off from anyone not remotely thinking as you do. However, taking the necessary time to work through what you need to work through, to realize your potential, gifts, talents, so on and so forth, in balance with everything else so you are a holistic person, living a holistic life is a good thing.  If you make bread and one side is all flat, but the other is all puffed up, doesn’t quite look right to people, does it, they expect a nicely well-rounded loaf, or an evenly braided loaf, right?  It’s the same with us, we need to be like that bread, not lopsided.  As we make our journey in life it’s important to maintain solid ethical and integrity boundaries so that we can trust ourselves and others can trust us consistently.  Without those consistent boundaries, we have precious little to offer with our talents, our gifts etc..It’s those values so cherished that can guide us in a crisis, that define us in a crisis, make certain we don’t sway like the palm trees, but stand firm in truly doing what is right for the long term good of all, and also what is the responsible thing to do for the good of all long term, even as we work through stuff, realize our dreams, so on and so forth. 

Namaste, Shalom and Amen

Healthy Boundaries I and II

Bouundary Signs

Appropriate trust and one step at a time to intimacy sound like a good plan, and I say this from experience of not having understood this sooner and had heartache as a result.  My dad walked out when I was about 7 and when I would go visit it was all about making me think mom was the bad one, then during the week with mom, I’d be told how they were the bad guys.  My cousins on dad’s side when I would go visit dad on the weekends he was supposed to have me, were not always kind to me.  One of the things that happened to me was that I didn’t always understand the importance of step by step intimacy.  I made some not so great choices in terms of relationships and all that, even in how I approached relationships.  What would I look for now in terms of an intimate relationship?  How would I go about it?

I realize that for me to have a sold life partner relationship, I need to be authentically myself, but I also have to understand that a relationship really is a journey, a journey of friendship, getting to know people on different levels, and then take things to an intimate level.  I need to set boundaries for myself, to understand that my dad walking out on me does not determine my self worth or anything like that.  Others often will act with respect for us, based on how we act for respect to ourselves, so if we immediately start sharing everything about our lives and start seeking intimacy right away without trying to know the person, what is that saying about respect for self, for boundaries?  Not much.  I am realizing that with friendship, with romantic relationships it’s really a matter of respect for everyone to engage people in a process and build a relationship.   I hope that as I start to meet new people, as I go to the community center and engage in some light yoga, and work on wellness and spiritual growth that I will remember that relationships are a journey, a process, based on building blocks and you shouldn’t rush through or bulldoze through with intimacy and all that.

Namaste, Shalom, and Amen

Unhealthy Boundaries 1 and 2

Bouundary Signs

Telling all, trusting everyone, or trusting no one.  Sharing is in and of itself not a bad thing, but one needs to be discerning about what is shared with whom. Also, at times circumstances, profession might influence how much is shared.  There is also the consideration of how quickly do you share what information.  As a Lifestyle and Spiritual Tough Love Coach and Blogger, Poet and Songwriter, I tend to share a lot about myself and my life through my blog, my poetry, songs, even my twitter posts and interactions.  However, in personal interactions, I might be a bit more reserved, and might really pay attention to my intuition, something I continually in prayer and meditation hone and work to refine.   Being transparent, authentic is not a bad thing, but it is important to hone one’s intuition to discern what to share how, when and with whom.  Of course in certain professions, such as the arts, or if you are a public figure, then it is not always easy to keep your life private, though some have managed to do so quite well.  I share pretty much everything about my life and my views because I truly want to inspire others and I do believe that sometimes we need that tough love, that smack upside the head.  In regards to sharing with others about your life etc.., it’s important to know who you are sharing with, can you trust them with the sharing, especially if you are sharing painful events or memories from your life, even your hopes and dreams.  That’s why honing your intuition, making that divine connection to Source, God, Creator, Creator energy is important, helpful.

The Trust thing, that’s an area where I have struggled and likely why I am still single.  It stems from my dad leaving when I was a kid and my mom projecting her issues with distrust of men on to me.  What I have come to realize and this would apply to all situations, blind trust of everyone is not wise, but distrust of everyone is also not wise.  Blind trust of everyone is naive and when people sense that, they will be tempted unless they have very strong ethics and integrity to take advantage.  On the other hand, being paranoid that everyone is a crook or everyone is a liar, a cheat etc.. is a miserable way to live life, and you end up isolating yourself from mankind, even in a way from God because you then don’t even trust Him and that relationship suffers.  It’s important to find that balance of as Reagan said Trust, But Verify.  Give people the initial benefit of the doubt, but also see what their actions are, see what they do, and again hone that intuition so that something just feels off, doesn’t feel right, you can distance yourself, meditate on what you need to do, be observant to see what it is you are sensing that needs further investigation or if you need to cut ties, walk away, distance yourself.  It’s important to find that balance, and with intuition, observation one can.  Trust, but Verify.  Next blog I will discuss two healthy boundaries.

Namaste, Shalom and Amen

 

 

Childhood Gifts, Some Not So Great

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My childhood left me with a number of things.  It left me with building up of resilience, it gave me a warrior soul, which since fibromyalgia hit hard, turned my life upside down years ago I needed.   It left me with a certain understanding of life, and made for a long journey of faith, of seeking.  It also made for some gifts that I would like to return. 

One of those is constant subconscious fear of “getting it wrong” and “fear of making a commitment to a particular church or wellness program”.  My mom also projected a lot of her fears about the world and life, her subconscious fears on me about lack and my not getting things right.  I think it stemmed though more from her sense of her not having gotten her own life right as she wished she had. All this created some gifts of childhood I am not too fond of.  I keep thinking I never have enough information to guarantee a right choice, a decision with the perfect outcome and the other thing I keep thinking subconsciously I realize now is that the rug is bound to be taken out from under me.  With these subconscious gifts leftover from childhood, making a firm decision to dedicate myself to the arts and the arts as a way of coaching, teaching, and coaching as a form of arts is a big step for me, committing to doing a podcast, all that, big deal.   I need to meditate on holding on to the good gifts and for the new year release, the not so good gifts left to me of childhood.  It won’t be easy, but if I can make one career commitment to one project long-term, where there is some of my own real skin in it and a faith commitment to a church, community organization or center that I discipline myself to stick with, that will be a huge step in 2019.  One of my prayers is to have God gift me with a true companion, my truest soulmate, to share life with.  For God to do that, I have to release these unwanted childhood gifts.  I will do my utmost to do so for a brilliant and prosperous 2019 and beyond.

Namaste, Shalom, and Amen

Decision Making Questions

Decision Making Qustion

 

The Holy Spirit placed upon my heart to post this today.  When POTUS announced he was pulling out of Syria no doubt the Kurds and we know others were upset, but here is the thing, you can’t stay in a conflict zone trying to fix what only what those on the inside have the power to fix.  You can’t indefinitely station yourself as savior, heck even Jesus said He had to go, even he knew his mission in the earthy physical sense was limited in time frame and Had to go home to the Father and complete the rest of the task from home.  Life is like that, and so is determining goals for ourselves, relationships.

For ourselves it is up to us to determine several things in our goal setting, decision making and all that.  We need to know the terrain we are going into, not be so afraid we never venture into any territory, stay in our own little snow globe.  We should have an idea of the territory, what it looks and feels like in regards to goals, hopes and dreams.  If we find ourselves in territory that then becomes dark, filled with clouds, thorns and few or no roses, is a truly miserable one for us and thus those with us, then we have choices we have to make, sometimes tough ones.  If we do all we can to bring the light, sunshine back and it is not possible, then we have to decide perhaps to be courageous enough to say enough and care enough going into the New Year about self and everyone involved to walk away, create a different life for me, so they can create a different life as well.   It’s important as we look to the New Year, to set realistic resolutions, but also to ask questions, to see to it that if the terrain has gotten too dark, too filled with thorns for everyone involved, it can’t be made a beautiful garden again or ever, that we find the courage to walk away.  We can say it’s others not cooperating and find every reason why there is not a resolution, an ending, a new beginning, but maybe it has to do in part with surrender, with surrender no only to divine wisdom and guidance out of the nasty terrain, but also a willingness to accept some level of loss, financial, emotional, even if in the beginning it hurts to do so.  As I said, someone needs to read this, hear this right now, so when the Holy Spirit calls me to post about something, post I shall.  I hope it helps someone who is perhaps trying to get out of the dark, sad desert terrain into the sun to do so. 

Namaste, Shalom and Amen.