The Parent Traps

Letting Go Never Easy, But Necessary

 

When a parent leaves, walks out or passes away and the child is young you can end up with the “parent trap”.  The trap can happen out of caring or out of the other parent being really pissed of at the situation that took place.

The caring parent trap can be where the parent cares so much about the child having a positive image they make the parent that passed away or left a saint, this all encompassing hero, this larger than life person.  I get that a parent wants their kid to have a positive model and good memories of the other parent, but his can be a real negative.  If you create a saint to rival all saints and heroes in that parent, that child is going to feel their whole life like they have to bend over backwards to live up to being like this larger than life saint or person you and the whole family created.  That does not help at all, not them, not anyone who has to live with them or deal with them on a day to day basis.  Truly loving them means giving them a very human parent flaws and all, not some mythical hero with a heart, spirit, soul larger than life.  My dad was by all accounts a nice guy, maybe too nice for his own good some might say.  I am glad I have  a very human picture of him, very glad, one that is a mix of strengths, but also weaknesses that hurt him in his life.  Still, I prefer the very human dad than if I had some larger than life myth.  Then there is the other side of the coin, the one where the parent is so angry, bitter they do nothing but tear the other parent down, creating a lot of chaos within the child, fear and a whole bunch of insecurity.  They create anger issues in the child and through adulthood, lots of stuff that is projected and as a child, that child has no real way to process or understand.  They develop a very warped and negative image of the male or female gender due to that.  A lot of damage can be done by this other “parent trap” as I call it.  I understand that loss of  partner under less than ideal circumstances can be reason for anger etc.., but that is no reason to bring poison into the life of the children.  Whatever war is going on between the adults need to be worked out strictly between the adults.

When one parent gives the image of the other parent, any mythology, needs to be left in the mythology section of literature either way.  It is not in anyone’s best interest to create a false extreme narrative of a parent to that child positive or negative. Best to keep it as honest as one can, keeping in mind the age range.  If a parent has left and the child is young, just say “mom/dad left, we have a lot of stuff to work out and it’s between us grown ups, but it’s stuff that happens with grown ups and sorry that you get stuck in the middle, but we love you”.  Don’t create monsters.  If the parent passed away, even if they were great people, don’t create a larger than life myth or saint, make them as human as possible, no grandiose anything to strive to live up to, don’t ever burden children or anyone with that.  Not fair to them or those around them.

Amen

 

Supportive Yet Protective, Tricky?

Letting Go Never Easy, But Necessary

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You care, you want to be supportive, but you also feel protective of the person, the entity perhaps you are a member of and those you interact with within the entity.  You want to be supportive, but you may also have a protective side, especially if you are an empath and intuitive etc… by nature who sees with the spirit guided by what the Spirit gives you.

When one of persons there is spinning their wheels to perhaps exhaustion trying to make an idea work that you know is not meant to be, sense they might be stuck in the past even with their personal life, and you sense this very clearly or even see any of this unfold right before your eyes, it’s tricky.  If you simply tear down their dream, then you risk their resenting you for being a downer and all that.  If on the other hand you play pollyanna and all is well, just smile and pretend all is bright and beautiful, you are not being much of a true friend. You are on a scale trying to keep the scale from tipping either where you are too harsh and totally make them feel crushed and like you have no faith in them, which you might, just not in a particular idea or project, or where you present a pollyanna unrealistic this is going to be great, all working out peachy, keep spinning your wheels, no biggie.  Neither will serve anyone well.  What do you do? For one if you are dealing with a professional situation, do your homework, so if you are going to give advice, you are giving it based on solid research and feedback maybe even that others have given on what has been going on.  When you present any advice, even to a friend make it clear you support their dreams, their efforts to achieve a goal, but you are concerned about the spinning of their wheels, how that energy could be focused elsewhere.  Anything regarding a personal nature, not moving on, returning to the past, maybe find a song that talks about leaving the past in the past and why it should stay there if they are artistically inclined. Letting them know you understand nostalgia can be powerful, but there is a reason people are not part of our lives, why we are apart, not truly connected anymore to others, best to move forward, not back, especially if that connection etc.. was toxic in any way.

We might know in our heart, spirit and soul that what the Holy Spirit has given us is what ought to be, a vision after God’s own heart that should be implemented, but others may not see that same vision, and may be spinning their wheels, banging their heads against the wall doing stuff that is not workable and not part of God’s great commission or even remotely part of his plan for the group, the person, the organization, but if we are going to get that vision across we can’t do it with the scale out of balance in either direction.  Meditate, research, meditate on Scripture, and mediate some more.  You will know how to approach things, even if not everyone will appreciate your efforts to do things right, the heavens will.   Hope this helps in your journey through life and relationships.

Amen

Easy Flow Can Be Quite Exciting

Baptism of Fire

There is this assumption that for something to be “it”, a relationship, anything, it has to come like a blazing fire or with bells and whistles, but I am realizing that is not true.

That which God has anointed, which speaks most true to my spirit is turning out to have come in a manner that is like a stream of water that flows very naturally.  It is something I find I am able to flow with very easily, naturally.  Sharing, being me comes very naturally in this particular role and with a particular person, which is very beautiful.  Society and the media in particular has given this impression in the past that if a project, a vocation, a relationship, a friendship wasn’t begun with some kind of major “wham, bam” then forget it.  a true vocation, anointed project, even soulmate whether friendship or romantic life partner is not about “wham bam”.  It is about much more than that.  When something is meant to last long term it is something that flows, that you feel in sync with, you feel supported by and you also extend that.  There is a sense that you are not only nurturing the project, or relationship, but you are somehow being nurtured, inspired etc.. by it.  You can see yourself connected to that project, that friendship, that relationship even 50 years from now, even 100 years from now in some fashion. You want to nurture it, see it grow, find ways to have it grow and don’t feel it will be a major effort because there is common ground.  You find you can communicate when it comes to a project with those involved in the project very easily because those involved see you as an integral part of the project and vice versa.  If a relationship you see each other as equal parts of the whole, so you feel very comfortable communicating.   You also feel comfortable exchanging ideas, even in a project situation you feel that way when it is truly an anointed project.    There is a sense of willingness to compromise, to find a middle ground for the greater good of the organization, project, the relationship.   There is flow.  There is also honesty about how you view things etc.., not in a mean way, but honesty out of caring.  The persons involved in the project etc.. or the person in the relationship, they understand and feel they can also do the same.   You understand if they share something they are doing it out of caring, even if you don’t agree at all.  There is where the compromise comes in.  If it is a romantic relationship, or friendship, even one that has potential to go beyond friendship, this all applies. As for supporting each the other person’s dreams,  even a friend’s, well yeah, but also we should be honest and make sure they streamline their dreams, lives, so as to not burn out, that they don’t have a fragmented and cluttered life, end up in circles to nowhere.  That is an important part of caring, but how we present that is also important.   That also has to be kept in mind.

We have been fed this notion of what relationship, vocation is supposed to look like, supposed to be like feel like, “immediate wow, explosion wham bam city”.  Well no, lasting life long amazing stuff does not necessarily feel immediately like that, it may feel like the sweetest most sublime hot air balloon ride in the sky, can soar like an eagle kind of thing.  Remember that.

What Can I Be Certain Of?

aspen trees

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We often hear about not seeing the forest for the trees and all that, right? We also have this tendency in life of constantly wanting guarantees, of wondering how can I be certain of this and that? What of the faith journey, of love, of anything?  

Let me begin with my faith, my Christian, Catholic faith.  I have been open in saying that there are certain things taught by the church that don’t jive for me, never will, they are man made, not Christ made, they are assumed and inferred.  What does that leave me with, what then can I be certain of?  Well it is not rocket science, not for me.  I am certain based on holistic biblical text, connection the dots of the following:

  • The Trinity
  • Sin is missing the mark in behavior and such
  • There is natural order of marriage, sexuality, of all things
  • The main role and job of the church is to teach on this and the power of the Trinity and prayer to help us maintain natural order and stay on the mark

Does this mean we always will, no, but we are not perfection, nor robots, we error, but we can be forgiven and get back on track, get second chances to get things in order somehow, even after we have missed the mark.  We don’t have to punish ourselves, stay and live miserable, that is never an option, ever.  That I also realize.

What of love, vocation, what of those?  In these areas I realize:

  • I can’t let the past determine the now or the future
  • I have to allow myself to love and be loved
  • I have make the Trinity, my faith the center of any relationship, not the religion per se, but the faith, the Trinity, prayer
  • I have to love the person for who they are and they have to love for who I am
  • We have to really be partners on so many levels, integrate into each others lives fully
  • It’s okay, that we can be as one and still be individuals, to not be afraid of that
  • My path is arts ministry, finding a way to combine the two for my joy and to fulfill The Great Commission is my path, one I should be more than ready to make

It’s such a blessing to have these realizations, even if later in life, but to have them and be ready to embrace them fully.  I hope to have someone to embrace them with in my life soon.

Amen

What Do I Start With, What I want or…?

Life and Liberty, God Bless America

The light shines within., going out in connection to the Divine Creator.

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If I am going to look at my life and look at any relationship, particularly soulmate twinflame and even key professional relationship where do I start in terms of a vision and all that?

I guess I could start with what I want, but I’ve decided to start with what I don’t want, which is:

  • Fearful closed oyster
  • Avoidance syndrome
  • Avoidance by butterfly syndrome or by busy bee syndrome
  • Fragmented syndrome
  • Still tied to the past, what if, an ex (past is past, ex is ex, cut the cords, let go kindly, but let go)

Having determined this is what I don’t want, not even in myself in terms of how I would be in a relationship and work on not being that, what do I want in key relationships, including my life partner relationship?

  • Open communication
  • Deal up front with everything
  • Focused, streamlined in life, in work, social life
  • Caring, demonstrative
  • Equal partnership in decision making
  • Ministry, Creative and Artistic partner, as well as life partner
  • Conservative Worldview, rooted in Christ
  • Appreciation of Italian culture

I am going to keep doing what I am doing and placing myself in the atmosphere where I might connect to such persons, while seeking to be that person myself as well.  I realized that before determining what I wanted I had to be clear about what I didn’t want, filter that out.  Now that I have I can meditate on and pray on these types of partnerships I do want, coming into my sphere.  

Amen

 

Speak Up and Still Be Supportive? Hmmm

garden

Can you speak up about what you perceive, give your input and yet still be supportive? Can you have collaboration, true connection, integration etc… when the other person is too scared to connect on any level, really connect?  These are questions that we might find ourselves facing in life, so what is the answer? Well nothing in life is ever cut and dry, not really.

If you are sharing your views etc..as just that. sharing and doing so because you truly care and also at the same time recognize that the other person may not want to change what they are doing, even if it’s not working then okay.  One might not see changes, not right away, but at least you know you spoke from the heart, cared enough to speak, to give your assessment, suggestions etc…If that person determines you have valid points and goes with it, great and if they don’t, well say lots of prayers, do lots of meditating on the positive and do your job the best you can.  If at any point you truly feel in your heart, spirit and soul you can’t stay, then well, you can’t stay.  At lease you will know you shared from the heart what you felt needed to be shared.  They might not be ready to handle all that sharing, that caring, support, so you may get silence back initially, but that’s okay.  You just keep doing what you were meant to do, do your best and keep praying and meditating on the positive.  What if you are in a collaborative, joint effort situation, and connection, collaboration, really connecting, having free flow communication is important to you in order to really make a success of things in full., really knowing the other is important to you?  What if the other person is not really there because of life issues, past traumas, current ones, or whatever?  I am not a fan at this stage of life of doing things lone ranger as I call it.  I am really looking for people and projects that there will be a real connection, real in depth collaboration, connection etc…, really getting to know the persons involved in the projects I am involved with, at least the key players in the project.  It matters a great deal to me and I feel that it matters to the success of whatever the project is that there be strong mutual connection, collaboration etc…If the other person is not ready for that, I can’t force it, can’t pry them open to connect etc…I can only reach out and be myself, offer my full support, be the best me I can be, pray and meditate.  At some point hopefully the protective walls will come down and there will be full connection, in depth collaboration etc…, but until then all I can do is be me, do my work, share my gifts, pray and meditate.  I have to trust that I will have the wisdom to navigate the waters and create a safe harbor for collaboration, connection etc.. in depth.  

Amen