Life has many questions to it and sometimes we get answers, closure, sometimes we don’t and sometimes it matters, other times not so much. One question now lingers over me and it’s this one.
To hope or not to hope? Frankly, I am torn. Much of my life I hoped, wore my heart on my sleeve when it came to my vocational aspirations, relationships everything, nothing held back and have come crashing down with disappointment. Now I find I have a two blogs going, a plan for my arts blog one or two other artistic collaborations possible on the horizon, and I want to open up my heart fully with hope and expectation to them, to joie de vie as the French say, think that’s the spelling, close enough. Yet, part of me also doesn’t want to end up sad, disappointed and with tears. As I listen to the song Rain and Tears sung by Demis Roussos and playing the game I know life is in a sense a game and as the Gambler song says every hand is a winner and every hand is a loser, you really can’t know until the hand is played, but to know you have to be in the game of life, be willing to engage and risk the disappointment etc… Problem is I have just about enough of that, not looking for more, just the opposite. Hence my question and dilemma. Do I hope, expect at all, with any of my projects, and in terms of friendships etc.., or do I not expect anything, live my life numb, expecting nothing, totally numb, going through the motions and that way no disappointments etc.. because I never had hope or expectations, so no disappointments etc…?
Not sure this is a question that will be answered or answered anytime soon, as I have yet to see any concrete results from any of my efforts or outreach artistically and relationship wise, so I would say jury is still out on the answer. If I don’t hope or expect, strive then I create nothing and that is not really living, so not sure that is the answer. On the other hand having had disappointments one after the other since you were a kid, leaves you drained and feeling like why set yourself up for that over and over again. Thus, the question lingers overhead and hopefully will find an answer soon enough. I hope the answer is a positive one.