I thought about this second chance that I might have in terms of a relationship that I was not ready for and likely at that time he was not ready for either. I have been thinking about the whole trust issue thing, and wondering is it about him or is it about me, my “fears”? I guess it’s a combination of both really, about a few things that I need to work though and am meditating to work through.
One part of the trust issue for me is fidelity, my ability to trust in any man to be faithful and him particularly. For reasons I won’t get into, I am realizing that is going to take a small leap of faith on my part trusting that he will be faithful should we enter into a relationship long term, should he truly come back into my life fully. The other thing that has me holding back enthusiasm etc.. about our coming together again is our pattern in the past of coming together, parting ways, together, paring ways, that was a pattern, and it hurt like hell, so after a long silence and him being out of my life, thought not out of my thoughts really, to have them knocking at the door is sweet, but part of me says “don’t get too happy or excited, don’t risk the hurt, you know the pattern, don’t get happy just yet, not for a good while yet, don’t”. Part of me wants to jump for joy and dance around the room, the other part of me scolds and says “no you don’t, not setting ourselves up for a fall and for pain, hold back for a while”. There is a bit of tug of war going on. The other thing is worldview, we may end up at the depth of things having similar goals for society etc…, but right now it seems we have different worldview, but I have to remind myself we have never really had any in depth discussions on any of those topics, and as emotions always ran way too high between us and we were not ready for each other at that time, we really don’t know if, to our surprise, we might actually have common ground. Sometimes people have common aspirations for society etc.., not necessarily same idea on how to get there. There are a few things I need to meditate on, be open to etc…, I think it is worth trying, striving and moving forward to build something great be it friendship or beyond. Hopefully we have grown as persons and it happens.
Namaste, Shalom and Amen