Two Things Stand Out In My Journey
My spiritual journey has been quite a journey, a maze and though never a crisis of faith in terms of doubting there was a God or that Jesus existed, not even doubting really the Holy Spirit of God, that guiding Spirit, the journey has been a different one.
When your parents divorce as a kid and it is a bitter one, the families each speak ill of the other parent, any sense of safety and any sense of the world making sense or anything making sense, of any direction of life goes right out the window. You lose all your footing and then when you lose all contact with your dad after the age of ten, you might end up with a love-reject you and a whole other mix of feeling relationship with God, and even the hierarchy of the Church trying to tell you how to live your life. Trusting God as a dad, trusting even the teachings of the Church, that Spirit though you really do know it is truth is tough. You might find yourself in search of that perfect truth and safety net that was taken away, though it was always there because well God never left you,. and he was always the perfect father who gave the ultimate gift for you, his only son, but that is hard to see sometimes when as a child your whole world comes crashing down around you and you are the chess piece in a war to hurt the other. I have had to come to terms with all of that and I have thankfully, through the arts and my having to explore why I was drawn to Judaism etc.. my whole life and why I had this resistance to the Church, this complex relationship with God, Jesus, the Holy Spirit. I addressed that in another blog and I have reconciled that and am now fine with the Church, the teachings etc…, am going to be studying the faith looking to understand it again with fresh eyes and mind.
Then there was Jesus and I had to also look at that and I had to ask three questions there. First, why did I have a resistance to fully believing he was Messiah and now I have had to also ask do I take both Peter at his word that he had the revelation that he was the Christ and also did I take Jesus at his word that he was he he said he was when he spoke to the woman at the well and confirmed Peter’s revelation? The first question, it went back to my dad. If he didn’t want to take me with me, if he didn’t fight for me, want me why would God send the Messiah for me or any of us messed up humans, why? On some level I rejected the whole premise of us meriting a Messiah, which may not make sense except to me it did, past tense. As to the other questions, again trust issues, for the longest time, it came down to trust issues for me, though at this time it was mainly about living the faith that Jesus lived mainly, though there still is some residual trust stuff there still, can’t deny it and maybe some safety stuff still present, some. I have to make a decision as to whether I am going to take God, Peter and Jesus at their Word, based on The Word and I figure since I was kind of born with faith in God, in a creator, then I should probably take Peter and Jesus at their word. Does that mean all my trust and safety issues from childhood have magically disappeared, hell no, but pretty good bet that they have resolved themselves to a good degree. Healing is an ongoing life process, so all we can do is keep living, praying, and be open to love and healing.