Walls, Detachment, Fear

mourning us

Death can come in many forms, this is the one we know of that is a permanent one in terms of the physical.  Is that the only death? Sadly, or perhaps not so sadly, No.  

Life is a series of cycles of embracing and letting go, of life and death.  That is not to say that when a familiar situation of many years, or a love, a relationship dies there isn’t pain, or when a dream we had we find is not longer our dream and we find ourselves having a new set of dreams, that there is not anxiety, in a way a death.  One will perhaps go through all the stages that one would go through as if there had been a physical death, go through a guilt trip, a series of what if questions, of could’ve, should’ve, and maybe even thinking how is it possible at this point in life to be starting all over again.  It’s not unusual to be sad when you hear certain songs or read certain poems etc.., to be fed up with things not being changed fast enough, any range of emotions.  Change, letting go, the ending of a whole chapter of one’s life, such as in a divorce or a career change mid life can be devastating, but also an opportunity, especially if you have opportunities staring you in the face to do new things, life life and fulfill dreams in ways you never did before.  I tend to be very esoteric, so I do a lot of meditating and stuff like that, work out a lot of my stuff through dreams, even get a lot of info through dreams, forshadowing.  Through my dreams I have reconciled the past, with the past cried it out, screamed it out etc…, main thing is, gotten the hell past it to live life and not be a paralyzed prisoner of the past.  

Life maybe dealt you some ikky cards, or you dealt yourself some out of bad judgement, being to shy to stick up for yourself, to pursue your inner truth etc.. whatever the case.  Well get the hell over it and start living, walls around you, your life, heart especially won’t do you or anyone any good, especially you.  Protecting yourself is an illusion because you are not protecting yourself you are hiding if you think that putting up walls and not feeling is protecting yourself, it’s not.  If you have to, find a time, each day for maybe a week or two or three or four, when you will be utterly alone, won’t disturb anyone, put on music that will totally pierce the walls, break them down, make you feel all the pain etc.. and don’t fight it, and for even 15 minutes, cry your eyes out, yell, scream, curse out everyone and anyone.  Remember in the bible the guy with the donkey trying to get the donkey out of the ditch, cursing, maybe even God, pissed off, but he wasn’t just sitting there praying all fake and detached like other guy.  Has letting God and everyone know ” I am pissed off dammit!!”  The only one who can keep your life a misery, a dead inside etc.. misery, sad, fed up, a prisoner etc.. is you.  Get it all out, harming no one, including you.  Them dammit, take concrete steps to figure out what resources and opportunities, including good people who care and want to help are there for you to grab on to and make the journey to change your life.  Do it!!  Don’t spend your whole time stuck in what was, what might have been, could have been yadda yadda yadda, mamma mia, get a friggin clue and let’s not be perpetually fed up in life, okay!  

Shalom and Amen