As I anticipate this potential second chance with one who still haunts my heart to some degree and the chance to build something lasting this time around, really lasting, healthy and all that, the trust thing has me really thinking. What is that all about, really?
Each of us, without even realizing it maybe, has a safe space for our lives, different areas of our life, and boundaries and when a person violates them emotionally etc.. as a pattern, we allow that, even do so ourselves by allowing that, we may actually stop trusting ourselves, our ability to decide rightly, make the right choices, decisions etc… in that area of life or in general. We may be like Arron in the Bible who could not forgive himself for having caved and built the golden calf, so Moses had to urge him to come to the alter, offer the sacrifice, forgive himself and accept forgiveness, trust himself so he could fulfill his purpose in life. I am realizing that the trust issue is more about my kicking myself for not having taken care of my boundaries, my safe space, allowed that to be violated. I didn’t allow for a good solid ground of friendship to be build, created, before any intimacy took place. If I had been taking care of my wellbeing I would have valued safe space and boundaries greatly and insisted on friendship, created a relationship over time based not that. I didn’t and there is part of me that has not been able to forgive herself for that, for the chaos that caused in my life emotionally and others who loved me had to go through that pain with me, which was really tough for them. I have had to work on forgiving myself for that for allowing myself to violate my safe space and boundaries. As it turns out, my trust issues are really more with myself than anyone else. Meditation, prayer has helped me let go, forgive myself, come to this understanding so I could forgive myself. I can love, be loved, but I also can be wise heart spirit and soul. It is possible to do both.
Namaste, Shalom and Amen