As I listen to this music and recall how moved I was at Latin Mass and the beauty of certain aspects of the faith, something is not adding up and as I realize how much Christ is an anchor in my life, something is not adding up as to why my health took such a nosedive these past months while at the church. I have to ask again, ask myself what gives?
It’s not the faith itself that is the problem per se, as I recall a post on FB by the Anglican Rite Church on the Conference of Bishops being hypocrites in terms of not following the catechism in regards to immigration. I also realized I have been working on the administrative end of things, leaning that route when really all I want to do is dedicate myself to music writing, creation, production, performance, planning music events, liturgical events, music collaboration with choral groups, that kind of thing. Dealing with bureaucracy from an administrative point, not living a life that is Christ Conscious centered and very artistic is contrary to who I feel is my authentic self and that is what has made me ill in life. My being unable to realize that my true calling is music and arts ministry, my not having the full understanding of this and not having the support, mentorship in my life to pursue the artistic has been a huge detriment that has settled itself in my DNA, my cells etc.. and caused physical dis-ease, disruption, and from spiritual and emotional pain turned into physical pain. I also do have a problem with religious institutions when they don’t follow their own Catechesis on any number of issues, RCC is doing it with immigration, Pope Francis in creating confusion with his encyclical as regards issues of family, marriage and sexuality, now also the Anglican Rite church on ordination of women, basically giving a convoluted response. Either say yes it’s biblical and acceptable or no it’s not, but friggin make your mind either way. In metaphysics and certain other Christian denominations they have concluded that nothing in the Bible prohibits the ordination of women and are very clear on that. When any group is wishy washy, or can’t stick to its’ own Catechesis, anything like that, when an institution is highly disorganized, big bee in my bonnet. In addition to that if the focus of what I am doing is not mainly artistic, performing arts oriented, production oriented, life coaching and prayer oriented with a fair amount of leeway and improv guided by the Holy Spirit, it will take all the joy out of things for me.
I realize now that this is what was happening where I was at, at this particular entity. I need to leave the administrative to others and focus on the creative, the artistic in life, in anything I am involved with. I need to focus on the creative, on the compass that is Christ and the experience of that Christ means to me in prayer, in faith, all of that. I need to do all of this in a way that is with a certain Buddhist kind of detachment where the outcome truly is Lord Thy Will Be Done. Not easy, but for my well being, it’s what has to happen.