Worst Type of Crying

 

It was about 5 am and the endometriosis pain, bloating was pretty bad and I had just taken an adviil.  I reside with my elderly mom, who is 95, and she had gone to bed.  I thought of who I used to be, this dynamo who used to hang out in the Village with her friends, or used to go the B&N on 8th street, or the one on 17th walk over to there and back home, run around doing errands and being a dynamo.  Now, everything hurting, far from being a dynamo, not physically anyway and I wanted to cry, I wanted to scream and cry, but that would have woken mom up, so the tears flowed, but the cry had to be a silent one and the scream also.  Then I realized I may not be a physical dynamo, but I am still a spiritual, verbal etc.. dynamo, so really the core of me has not changed, only that the vehicle of movement has been restricted.  I still have not really mourned that lost part of me I think, not really and I am not sure how to really do that, maybe I don’t want to do that.  I wished, and wish I had a space, place all to myself I could go and cry scream, pound on a few pillows, get that all out, and someone who understands what Fibromyalgia does to you to hug me tight after.  For now anyway I have to accept that the cries and screams will be silent ones.

Namaste, Shalom and Amen